Be Patient I Am Getting To The Point

Summer Colds

2010-07-07T14:09:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

How are we all doing? Enjoying the summer? Today it finally got hot outside and I'm sitting here in my apartment sweating out a cold. Needless to say I'm not feeling much like being in the sun.

I've gone this entire year and then some without getting any kind of cold that has been flying around my office, but last week it hit me like a ton of bricks. Unfortunately because of this I've had to put a stop to my running program. I only got to my first day in my second week and then this cold hit me. I don't know about you, but when I have a bad cold I just have no appetite and therefore no energy and can't bring myself to do much of anything. I'm hoping that I can start up the whole thing from week 1 day 1 again and hopefully my immune system will be strong enough not to give out on me just as I'm getting into a groove of working out.

How is everyone else doing? Hopefully good. I don't have much to write other than complaints about being sick haha.

Long Time No Type!

2010-06-29T18:20:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone!

I am so sorry I have been so absent lately. Basically the laptop I had was giving me a lot of problems. It would freeze every time I tried to do something and the u and w keys were completely caput, which made it pretty much impossible to type anything at all!

I guess I have a few updates for those of you who have been kind enough to stick around in my absence! I am so thankful for all of you and I really apologise for being a terrible blogging friend lately.

First and foremost, I am excited to report that I've joined a running program. I initially started this blog to inspire myself and others to lose weight. Somewhere along the way I abandoned Operation Get Un Fat, otherwise known as OGUF in favour of being lazy and not doing anything with myself. I'm not sure what happened. I guess I had come to terms with the fact that I was overweight, but that I didn't look as heavy as the scale said I was, and as a result figured I could just slack off. Well friends, after being at 195 for about a year I got sick and tired of it and tried Atkins. I was able to break out of my 195 slump and actually got down to 196 on the scale for a period of time, but really found that Atkins was not something I could do long term. I am far too picky an eater and am not a fan of meat that much, so eating that every day was kind of getting boring for me. But now that I am back in the 188-190 range I am really starting to feel that I can do this weight loss thing.

Last week I started a program that some of you may or may not be familiar with. It's the C25K program, aka Couch to 5km. Essentially it gives you week by week instructions on how to train yourself to run 5K. Today I started week to, and I am feeling great. I had never thought in the past that being a runner was possible for me, but there is great support on their facebook page from everyone else who is joining the program and those who have succeeded. If you're looking to start running but have no idea how to get into it, I really recommend you look up Couch to 5K on facebook!

What else? Well, my last roommate moved out. I can't remember how things were the last time I wrote to you, but I had been living with 2 roommates- one of them of which I was sharing my room with. Both of them are gone now and I have procured a new roommate. The nice thing about this one is that despite the fact that he is almost never home. He leaves in the morning before I wake up, and when I come home from work after midnight he's here and then we both go to bed after talking about our day a bit. It gives us zero opportunity to get annoyed with eachother. Despite the fact that D is never here and so doesn't get a chance to clean the house doesn't seem to bother me. It's nice having the place to myself, and it really isn't too much work to clean his cereal bowls and glasses he uses the odd time he does get to eat here. And he doesn't spill things everywhere which is the thing I like best!

When I was living with S, he would leave a mess all over the entire house and use up all the dishes and leave them all over the place. And he was always at home and yet never cleaned. It would drive me nuts and it eventually almost destroyed our friendship. I'm glad to say that since S has moved out we've been getting along much better, but that also may have something to do with the fact that he and I virtually almost never talk. I think we definitely need that space right now, because living with someone who has a completely different lifestyle to you for a year and a half can really wear you down. Especially for someone like me who really likes a lot of alone time and quiet time.

Let's see, what else? I've been watching a live feed for Val Lisista. If you are unfaimliar with who she is, she's an incredible concert pianist. What she's done is set up a live feed on Ustream where fans of hers can watch her practicing for her series of concerts she has coming up in the future. She practices 14 hours a day which seems insane to me, but I guess that's how you come to be amazing. It's really inspiring. So I called Long and Mcquade which is a music store we have here in Canada to ask about piano lessons. I think I might get started on those. I'm really feeling it's time to get back to the basics and start doing things that bring me joy and fulfillment, and I think taking those lessons will be one of them.

I also went to Staples, which I love and adore, and bought myself a nice journal and some new pens. I am trying to make an effort to take time every day to write out my thoughts and what's happened in my day. I want to get back into writing regularly and I feel that writing out my own thoughts and feelings is a good start. If you can't communicate your own emotions, then how can you hope to communicate the emotions of a character? It's been going well so far. I only write a page or 2 a day. But as a friend put it to me "if you write 2 pages a day you'll have a novel in a year." So I am going to keep up with it.

All in all things are going well here. Now that I have this new laptop I hope I can come write to you all more often. I know I know, people say that they'll blog more often, etc, and never do. But I am really going to try.

I hope everyone out in the blogging world is doing amazingly well.

Take care,

Sandra

I'm A Gamer...

2010-04-20T18:02:00.000-07:00

A BOARD GAMER!

Don't you just love board games? I do. There is just something so innocent and care free about them and it takes me back to my childhood. Well, I guess Risk is a little less care free, but I think everyone loves a little world domination :)

The picture above is my collection so far. I need to continue to build upon it. I wish that I could go out and buy Battleship and the old Guess Who, but these days these game manufacturers keep upgrading the games and they are just becoming ridiculous and losing their charm.

What are some of your favourite games?

An Update on OGUF

2010-04-20T11:42:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't mentioned Operation Get Un-Fat in a long time, but it has been under way even if I have been a little less consistent and certainly less committed than I was when I started. However, something in me has changed recently and I have felt more motivated than ever to commit myself to losing the 30-40 pounds I need to lose.

Recently I went through a phase where I was having terrible cravings for all things sweet. I am not a sweets person by any means. Perhaps once or twice in a month I would indulge in a tasty treat, but for some reason or another it seemed to balloon up to every single day that I was eating these things. Mostly confectionary items like chocolate chips and peanut butter chips and the like. I wasn't aware of it at the time but during that period of time I was so out of sorts. I was forgetful, disoriented, my brain was all over the place. I couldn't seem to get enough sleep and I woke up as tired as I was before I went to bed. For some reason it didn't equate in my mind that all the sugar I was eating was doing this to me.

Then at some point my online searches and browsing led me to the Atkins diet. I know there are a lot of people out there who hear "Atkins" and back away in disgust, and truthfully I was one of those people until I started reading about it. Then I bought the book. I think people misunderstand Atkins and assume that it's all protein and fat and that it's low carb so you don't get anything good because you can't eat fruit. Well, first let me tell you that I now eat healthier and more vegetables than I ever have in my entire life. I was hardly eating any protein what so ever before and now am eating eggs and chicken and tuna and am actually bothering to cook. I feel like my life is changing as I make better choices about what to eat in my body, and the best thing is that I have a TON of energy.

What really got me is the fact that one morning I stepped on the scale and my heart dropped seeing 201 staring right in my face. I felt disgusted with myself and tried to rationalize it by telling myself it was water weight and it would just drop off. The problem there was that I had held on to water weight plenty of times before and never got above 195.

After a coupld of weeks changing my eating habits (I didn't give up my 2 pieces of organic, flour free bread though) I am 190 on the nose. I am looking forward to being out of the 190's permanently by the end of the week. I feel refreshed and renewed and excited that I am doing this and I don't even have to work hard at it.

Anyway, I just wanted to give a little update on that!

New Layout And Still Cute Kitties

2010-04-19T21:58:00.000-07:00

Does this new layout make you feel good, or what? I'll tell you something, I am absolutely loving it. I've felt pretty inspired this week to do some writing so I figured I would celebrate with a brand spanking new layout. A friend of mine told me how to easily get one uploaded on here, and this particular one just sparked my interest.

I really think the things you look at and surround yourself with can really inspire you and change your mood, so I thought I'd change it up.

In other news, my cats are still adorable and here's some proof:

Chopped

2010-04-18T00:33:00.000-07:00

Hi Friends!

I am currently 7.5 hours into a 12 hour midnight shift and felt the need to write and say hello. Working alone is quite lovely, especially when you have access to the internet and write blogs such as I am doing now.

Guess what? I chopped all my hair off. It's gone. I liberated myself from 10 extra inches of hair that were just all over the place and now I have a cute little cut that comes down just to my chin. I don't have a picture available to me right now, but I plan on posting one once I get one onto my computer. I feel a lot less shabby and shaggy now that all that hair is gone. Truthfully I just didn't have the energy to make that much hair look nice any more. I've also been craving some kind of change and figured that chopping off my hair was the quickest and easiest way to achieve that.

I've been feeling inspired lately to do some writing. Today I actually have some creative ideas flowing through my head. Unfortunately I am both exhausted and at work, so accomplishing anything on the writing front isn't possible. I'm excited at the prospect of actually sitting down and writing out these ideas to see if I can take them anywhere. I guess I'll have to see how that goes. It's been a long time since I've attempted any creative writing and my skills are probably very rusty. I've spent a good portion of the last 5-6 years writing solely about my day to day life and haven't really done much else. Switching back into story mode might be difficult, but perhaps I'll be able to take a more honest approach.

Not a whole lot has been happening in my life lately. I've been getting out and walking more which is really nice and have really committed to cutting out all bad foods (except bread, but it's organic and flour free, so shoot me!) and have felt a wonderful increase in energy. I discovered that I was eating bad foods because when I see them, the fat seed in my brain makes me think that if I don't buy that chocolate bar or bag of chips RIGHT NOW that I won't get it have it ever again. I feel compelled to buy them and eat them. But ever since I realized what my thoughts were making me do, I haven't had any cravings what so ever and have had a pretty easy time introducing more vegetables and protein into my diet and pushing out empty useless carbs. I'm feeling pretty good!

I wish that my weight loss journey was a little more consistent, but I feel this time I'm really going to stick with it. I feel good when I eat healthy whole foods and it's really propelling me into a healthier mindset. I'm looking forward to the future self I am creating.

Anyway, I just wanted to pop on and give a little update. I think it's time to take a little cat nap on my break.

I hope you are all doing splendidly!

Whew!

2010-03-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

Well friends it has been a long time since an update. Life has been on the up and up and I am glad to be able to share some of that with you.

I have been on a journey of sorts since reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I feel like my entire perspective on life has changed and that now I am in a positive optimistic frame of mind, everything is going my way.

I got promoted at work. I applied for this Release Analyst position back in November which some of you might remember. I got the good news just under two weeks ago and officially started that position last Monday. Getting into the groove of doing something new and more complicated was a little tiring but I believe I will be really good at this position and it will be a good experience for me. Not only that the pay is a lot better too, which is the reason it took so long. My bosses were kind enough to fight for a good raise for me, and I am so thankful for that because I really feel that I deserve it.

Sean and I also got a roommate. It's an old friend of ours from back when we were living in a little town called Salmon Arm. I am so thankful to be splitting everything three ways now. I feel like I keep taking steps forward financially, though I will confess that I did end up spending some money I should have put down on my debt, but with these changes I know that I can actually buy myself a couple things and be guilt free. It feels good.

Something that I'd really like to improve on is my fitness activity. I actually have started running. It's hard for me being that I am overweight by 30-40 pounds and that makes it tough but I am glad that I have gone out there and done it, so now I have no excuse to say that it's something I can't do. I wish that I could motivate myself to do it more often, but I don't seem to have it as a priority in my mind and so I don't make an effort to make it a part of my daily routine.

I bought Jillian Michael's Yoga Meltdown and I can't wait to try it. I have been wanting to get back into Yoga for a long time and I know that this is going to be more of a tough workout than a relaxing experience, but it will get me moving and stretching and getting into shape and that's kind of the point.

Something I am sure you all know is that the Olympics were here last month. I avoided all the Olympics stuff as much as possible. I had company during the final weekend of the games and they all went downtown after Canada won gold for men's hockey and apparently it as mayhem. I felt a little regret that I had to go to work and I couldn't experience the madness but I was more comfortable watching from the comfort of my own home. I have never really paid any attention to the Olympics but since it was in my very own city I found myself watching them on TV every day before work. It was nice seeing people so unified and excited about something that was going on here. There has been a lot of debate over the Olympics and a lot of nay sayers, but I really feel that things worked out well and I'm very happy about it.

Needless to say I've been spending a lot of time not blogging because I have been a busy bee. I hope to post some pictures for you in the near future. It's Cherry blossom season and the trees are all in bloom and it's gorgeous around here.

Well, that's my update for now. I hope you are all out there enjoying life and every moment you are privileged to live!

I'll be back real soon :)

Goodness Gracious!

2010-03-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry. I haven't been around much lately, have I? Well I have so much to share with you all. I've been thinking about all of you, and all of the blogs that I follow and how I've been a terrible blog friend over the past several months. It's really been nagging me from the inside out, which is what is prompting me to write you this little apology.

My life is pretty much amazing right now and I can't wait to tell you about the changes. Somehow they seem so small but something in me has changed and I feel truly awake and aware of how beautiful this entire world is. I know how cheesy that sounds, too, and I love every bit of it.

Unfortunately it's getting close to home time for me so I can't deliver you all the tasty updates just yet but I am looking forward to doing so on my weekend (which just happens to start the day after tomorrow).

I've been reading www.natthefatrat.com and have been feeling inspired by her wit and ability to make me forget about the ENTIRE world while I'm reading her posts.

Just wanted to let you know I am alive and kicking and will be around soon to let you know all the happenings of my life.

XoX
Sandra

Peace

2010-02-02T23:09:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends,

I had such a peaceful day today. It started by being awoken by my roommate who is rather loud at mornings and dragged on for a while. I was determined not to spend my whole day indoors despite the fact that it was cool and overcast outside. Despite Vancouver's beauty, our winters can be a little dreary as we do not see much sun.

I got dressed and ready and was fully prepared to go the gym only to discover I had lost my membership. Not willing to allow myself to wallow in my annoyance and misplacing my card I put on some jeans, made a bagel, grabbed my book The Power of Now and walked to the Masonic Cemetery.

Now I know that people think that cemeteries are creepy places, and of course they are. There are dead corpses below where you are walking. They forget that that's all they are- bodies returning to the source. The cemetery is nice and closed in and all the grave stones are flat. In the middle of it there is a small garden area that is quite beautiful and has a few benches. So there I sat, had my bagel and read until the sun started going down.

I can't tell you how wonderful it was. I plan on doing this more often. I've never been one for going and finding a quiet place to read, but lately I've been really craving some alone time and what better place to go, really?

In other news, I joined the Social Committee at work. I'm sad to say that there is a very negative attitude within the social committee and I know it comes from the frustration of not having staff participate in events and also running a deficit. It's totally understandable. I am feeling a little guilty because I wrote a rather aggressive email concerning my thoughts, but I feel that someone has to have the guts to be bold, take charge and turn things around. I have some slight reservations about taking on that roll, but I know it is the roll that I always assume in those types of settings. I'm hoping to come up with some creative fund-raising ideas and hope to get some more participation going on in the office.

It can be hard to join a new group and have so many ideas and have this passion to turn things around and get things back on their feet. It's stressful, it's difficult, but it's also rewarding. My fear is that they will look at me like I'm the new girl running the show and that their opinions of me will darken. I shouldn't care what they think and I should be more concerned with getting the job done. I don't know why that fear is there, it doesn't make a lot of sense. They need the direction and the drive. I hope I didn't speak too soon and that I haven't stepped on any toes.

Dear Followers, do you have any creative fun-raising strategies or group activities that you do in your work place to bring the staff together? I could use all the help I can get!

I hope you're all lovely! Speak to you soon.

Open Your Mind

2010-01-23T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hello there friends,

I've been away for a bit. Not a lot has been going on. I'm still keeping up with the shred and still am not out of the 190's, but that's okay.

On Tuesday my roommate and I went to Stanley Park in Vancouver and decided to go for a sunset stroll. There is really something about the rising and setting sun that speaks to me. There were a LOT of people out running, walking and biking, especially for it still being January. I guess that's one of the great things about living in Vancouver. We have gorgeous weather for the majority of our year and next to no snow through the winter months. Just the other day it was 14C.

Have any of you read The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown? My mom sent me that book for Christmas. I think she figured that since I had The Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons that it would be a safe book choice, and she was right. Now I really am not a huge fan of Dan's style of writing, but I truly appreciate the amount of research that goes into putting these stories together and how he fits all these facts in without making it feel like you are studying history. I enjoy historical fiction and really like stories where I can learn something.

The Lost Symbol really got me thinking. I won't say too much about it because I don't want to spoil anything, but it really got me wondering about Human potential. I am not sure if any of you have grown up hearing that Humans have a greater potential than we know, but I've always believed it. There are so many incredible minds and ideas out there it's hard for me to imagine that we are not capable of more. Do you know what I mean?

The whole thing makes me wonder what I've been missing out on all these years due to close-mindedness and not trying harder to open my mind and learn more and explore more. As someone who claims to be a writer I feel like I haven't had nearly enough life experience and that there is always something more that I need to learn. Unfortunately I am no scholar, but am definitely interested in learning and expanding my mind, my ideas and my perspectives.

Do any of you feel like we're all just missing the point or the bigger picture? I have been feeling this way quite often lately. Life cannot all be about money, possessions and celebrity. It can't all be about business and running the earth into the ground. It can't all be about simply surviving this harsh environment we've created for ourselves. I really can't imagine that we were put on this beautiful planet to simply exist and I hope that it's not wishful thinking, either.

What do you all think?

Weight Watchers

2010-01-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

Well folks,

The 30 day shred is hard. I bought my hand weights and today was day 1 of using them. I am telling you, anterior raises and side lunges are not easy in the first place, but when it comes to actually using weights it's much much harder.

Today I am also starting to count my "points" for weight watchers. Unfortunately I lost some of the booklets and things they give you but I know the basics. I have my trusty points calculator and I'll be damned if I don't start losing some weight if I abide by the points system.

My annoyance with my roommate is continuing. I am trying to keep my patience. Before I would have been in rage mode constantly but I am trying to keep my composure. I don't want negative emotions to overtake me. I lived with this particular roommate before in 2007 and it was a total disaster. I do confess that this time around things are much better, but as I stated in my last post I am really feeling compelled to live on my own and start my own life.

Do any of you online window shop?

I find myself going on to furniture store websites and fantasizing about what I want in my house. I also go to the Neiman Marcus website and pick out designer clothes that I want and that I cannot fit into and will never be able to afford. I suppose that if I really wanted to shop expensive then I could do the reasonable thing, save my money and reward myself with a nice piece here and there, but honestly I know I can find very similar pieces in a regularly priced clothing store.

I don't know about you ladies and gents but I have a very specific idea of how I want my life to be. I am slowly coming to realize that I can actually have that life if I take the right steps right now. Before my mind was so clouded with my thoughts of debt and never thinking I was going to see the end of it, and now I am feeling much more optimistic about everything.

One day at a time I will work towards being the person I want to be.

Week 1 Complete

2010-01-19T00:21:00.000-08:00

Hello all,

Sorry I missed an update day or two. The shred has been going well. Today I didn't do it and I don't have an excuse. I've come to realize that I need to do it at the same time every day otherwise it results in procrastination, which ultimately leads to me not doing my shred exercises. I did however go for a nice walk around Stanley Park with my roommate and also had to do a few errands (one including buying some hand weights)so today wasn't a total loss.

So far on the shred I haven't lost any weight. My weight fluctuates between 192 and 196. I don't know what my real weight is. I also don't have a measuring tape and didn't take pictures to compare. I do feel stronger and the shred is getting easier. My main goal is just to make it through the first 30 days alive.

Lauren gave me a little tip to help with my pizza craving: Making my own little pizzas on whole wheat pitas. Much better than eating greased up pan pizzas from Pizza Hut, even though Pizza Hut is so delicious.

Something else that has been going on is that I am starting to become less and less patient with my roommate. Before I was very vocal about things that bother me, but now I've been just internalizing it and trying not to voice how I am feeling so much. It seems that no matter what I say or do, it doesn't change anything what so ever. I'm starting to feel a gnawing desire to strike out on my own and live by myself. I know that it's not a financially sound decision to make, and so I am trying to have the patience to wait it out for another year. It's difficult sometimes to overcome my angry impulse to throw my hands up in the air and say "That's it! I give up!" but I think that it might come down to that point. It doesn't help that my roommate has got a violin and is a beginner so I have to hear that shrieking instrument day in, day out.

I think part of this is also my 25 year old female instincts and hormones wanting to "nest." To make my own home and to have a family. I've really honestly never pictured myself having babies, though I have wanted to raise them and take care of them. Just not physically have them.

How do all of you keep your patience when you know where you want to be, but you know you have to wait it out until you can get there?

Day4/Day5

2010-01-15T12:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I shredded again. It was much better than the first three days. I do regret that I won't be shredding today. I hate to have to miss a day of shredding however I do feel that a day of recuperation is necessary as I am under the weather today. Perhaps I will do it tonight after work. As it stands, I just had a solid night's sleep and am 100% exhausted.

Yesterday's shred went well. I find that I get slightly less out of breath. There is something to be said for routine and knowing exactly what to expect from your workout. It makes it a lot easier to get through. I still struggle with the first circuit but I hope tomorrow when I resume the shred that I will be able to make it through 100% with no breaks.

I've been talking about the shred at work and 2 people have asked me to burn them a copy which I think is pretty neat! I hope it works for them. So far I haven't seen any changes on the scale, but I started out believing that I likely would not see results until the second week.

Not a lot else is going on here. The Sun Run is coming up in May which means I have to get together the registration money and really start getting hardcore about training myself to make it through that 10k. I could show up and walk, but I really want to be able to maybe run one km on and one km walk. I don't want to take the lazy route in my life anymore and I want to apply that to everything I do. There's no reason to do anything halfway, even if it's really hard to give it your all.

I was telling Lauren yesterday that I'd like to make this year about realizing my full potential. Of course I'd love to see my mastercard paid off (that will be happening by October, actually), and I'd love to get into shape by 25 (working on it), but more than that I'd really love to work on myself as a whole. I am so tired of letting fear based emotions run my life. It seems ridiculous to let an emotion grip you and control you like that. I want to have a "yes" year and I want to do everything I can to open up my mind and heart to new people, things and experiences. It makes sense, doesn't it?

I feel in my heart that it's time to make a change. With this positive change I am finding myself becoming a lot more emotional than usual. I understand the phrase "tears of happiness" now, and I seem to be experiencing them frequently. That's not to say I am bawling my eyes out at every happy though. I just get a little teary eyed and slightly choked up. It's interesting for me since I have the emotional consistency of a rock most of the time.

Anyway. I feel like 2010 is off to a good start but today I feel guilt over not shredding. Tomorrow I am going to have to kick my own rear-end to make up for it.

30 Day Shred Day 3

2010-01-14T12:51:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was day 3 of the 30 Day Shred. It was hard. I am finding that I have a hard time getting through the very first circuit still. I know it's only 3 days in and I shouldn't be be expecting huge results so far but I am wondering how long it will take before level one becomes manageable without pouring sweat and feeling totally beat.

Today is day four I am not looking forward to it. I am looking forward for it to be over, but I guess in order for it to be over I actually have to do it. I almost want to skip a day but I know it's called a 30 day shred for a reason. I am sore, but not so sore that it's unbearable which means that I should keep going.

Diet wise I have issues. It's not that I eat a lot of bad food or anything, but I just have a hard time keeping track of how much I eat and how much I should eat. I don't have issues with portion control either. In fact, I don't seem to eat enough. I learned that when I started going to weight watchers in 2008 with Lauren. It was very hard for me to eat all my points. But it worked.

Now I am off to prepare myself for day four of shredding. Sorry this isn't much of an update. I am crunched for time.

Talk to you soon!

Day 2

2010-01-12T14:08:00.000-08:00

Today was day 2 of the 30 Day Shred. I made sure that I ate breakfast a few hours before doing the workout and it made a huge difference. It's strange, but I find the first circuit to be the hardest- just the cardio really. The rest of it I can seem to get through fairly easily. The last set of ab work outs are really tough for me though.

I have a curve in the base of my spine so when it comes to doing crunches and sit ups I have a challenge because it causes me a great amount of discomfort. I find that in this workout having to do anything with my legs in the air is tough. I am hoping that over time as I get into better shape and strengthen my core that I will be strong enough to do these exercises. At present I just can't do them properly and don't want to cause myself further back problems.

Today the shred felt much easier than it did yesterday. I feel good that I actually did it two days in a row and I think having breakfast definitely helped. The pushups were very challenging today as my arms are sore from yesterday but I can't wait to keep doing them so that eventually I will be able to do them with ease.

Is anyone else out there shredding?

30 Day Shred

2010-01-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

Holy Cow, ladies and gentlemen. I haven't been here in a long time but I am committed to posting to you every day.

Lauren and I have challenged ourselves to do the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. It was only 9.99 on Itunes so I sucked it up and made the purchase. Today was day one, and it really was a challenge. I was not prepared for the intensity of the workout. Last night before bed I watched Level 1 to see what I was getting myself into.

Today I woke up and was totally ready for the workout. I didn’t eat first because I wasn’t interested in throwing p or feeling sick. I also didn’t have any hand weights because I don’t want to pay for them ha-ha. I think once I get used to the workout I’ll be investing in some because I do want to commit to doing this workout to the best of my ability.

Needless to say doing this workout without having consumed any food or water in my day yet was not a smart idea. I am the type of person who will get very light headed very fast and as a result need to take an extended break before continuing whatever it is I am doing. I experience this when I am doing heavy duty cleaning as well for some reason. I think my fitness level is just that low. I am hoping that with this 30 Day Shred that I can change that. I did end up finishing the dvd though so I am happy about that at least.

I am so thankful that I spent that money on this DVD because it has really opened my eyes to how out of shape I really am and has made me realize that I want to complete a 10k run five months from now that I am going to have to work my rear end off if I plan on finishing without dying.

So today is day one. It was a challenge. It was harder than I was expecting. It opened my eyes to my lack of fitness and really makes me feel sad that I didn’t stay in shape when I was in shape. It also makes me realize that this routine is going to kick my butt and help me get into the shape I want to be in.

I’m sorry this blog isn’t very good today. My u key on my laptop is broken and it’s hard to type properly because of that. I have to copy and past all the u’s in and it’s really annoying.

That is all for today!

Back And Ready For Action

2010-01-10T16:03:00.000-08:00

Holy Moly folks.

I have been MIA a LOT in the last several weeks. It's kind of ridiculous. I'll tell you something though, I have been going through a lot of changes.

I started reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle and it's blowing my mind. I'm only about 110 pages in but I can feel a change within me. I'm starting to feel more relaxed, tolerant, open and accepting and overall much less stressed. My mind isn't dominating me any more and I am starting to feel happiness without needing an excuse to feel happiness.

I think that's why I've sort of pulled myself away from the blogging world. I have a tendency to get really involved in online communities and forget that I have a life that I need to be living. Not to say that I don't love and appreciate you all, but there's got to be a healthy balance which is something I need to learn.

Further to that, I've re-joined the CCS course that I failed last year. It was pretty disappointing to fail but at the same time I know it was 100% my own fault. Now that I am re-enrolled and am suffering the financial consequences of that failure I think I will be much more motivated to do well.

Further to that, I've applied for a new position at work which I believe I have mentioned to all of you before. Unfortunately I haven't heard one way or another whether or not the position is mine, but we'll see what happens. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and trusting things will work out one way or another.

I haven't done much in the way of weight loss. I have agreed to do a 10k run on May 9th here in the Vancouver area. For someone of my fitness level it's a little daunting but I've committed to it and I plan on following through. With that, I'll be purchasing Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred. Jenn over at Ex Hot Girl was doing it last time I was over at her blog and it's inspired me to make the purchase. Tomorrow will be day 1 of 30. I can't wait to see the results, or at the very least feel them. I really want to be in shape by 25. I don't know why I waited all this time to take the initiative eto get healthy and in shape, but I suppose the point is that I am making the choice now.

I hope all of you are well. I'm sorry I haven't been doing any reading, posting or commenting as of late. I guess I've been going through a dry spell and just feeling out my own life. Hopefully I can get back into the swing of things. I'd like to post a blog every single day telling you about how gruelling the 30 Day Shred is.

Thanks to all of you who are still following despite my absence!

Bah Humbug

2009-12-27T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've been MIA recently and with good reason. I kind of hate reading Christmas posts. I don't mean to offend, but it seems like everyone makes such a huge deal out of Christmas and I'm not sure I understand. I don't really care what you're doing for your holidays, what food you ate, what family member was an asshole or what presents you got. Not that I don't have a Christmas spirit, but when I see all these Christmas posts it really just makes me think the whole world is greedy, and that, my friends, makes me angry.

When I have children they're going to get next to nothing for Christmas. It's not that I don't want them to have things or that I want them to be deprived or be jealous of what all the other kids have, but when you are showering a two year old with a bunch of ridiculous gifts when all he/she wants to do is play in the box, I think there's a problem. Children these days grow up with so many expectations in regards to gifts that I think it's virtual insanity to go out and desperately try to find all the things they want on Santa's list. Truthfully it's a waste of money. I think what my children will get is one big gift that they really, really want and then it's underwear, clothes and everything else. If other family members want to spoil my kid then that's up to them, but I don't feel like buying my child's love.

I'm also going to make them gather up their toys that they barely touched because the wrapping is more exciting and then we're going to give them all away.

But that's just me.

I think people also use Christmas as an excuse to get more fat. I don't need one day of the year to be a gluttonous pig. I can do that any time I want, and I have, which is why I'm fat right now and why I have to come up with things like Operation Get Unfat, which I am failing at at present. But never fear, I've agreed to do a 10km run in May with my supervisor and manager. For fear of collapsing like an out of shape fool while people run over me and leave me battered and bruised I'm now planning on getting into running. It baffles me how some people can easily run 10k and I can't even run 10 minutes, but I plan on changing that.

Forgive me, I know I sound rather bitter right now. I've just bore witness to too many ungrateful people in the last little while and it's made me realize how selfish people can be and how little they are willing to give in return.

Hopefully the next time I write I'll be in higher spirits. Christmas just irks me.

Peace, Happiness, Love

2009-12-01T22:12:00.000-08:00

Well friends...

The good news is I paid off another credit card. The good news is I went to the gym yesterday and spent 20 minutes on an exercise bike and about 30 minutes on a treadmill. The good news is I got rid of almost all the extra mattresses and boxsprings in my house because a friend and his roommate needed beds. The good news is that I saw a familiar face from high school and it lifted my spirits.

There is a positive change happening in me. Lately I feel like my life is moving forward in a wonderful way. I am experiencing happiness, motivation, inspiration and a general excitement for what life has to bring me.

I feel like I am being awakened to a new level of consciousness and being. I am trusting in God. I am trusting in myself. I am trusting that my life is exactly how it is meant to be right now and I am trusting that everything happens exactly as it is meant to. I am realizing that the way I live my life and how I perceive it is ENTIRELY up to me and it is a CHOICE to be happy and to create a reality which gives me peace and happiness.

Do you ever wonder how people in seemingly the worst circumstances can still smile, laugh and enjoy life, while others who seem to have everything are miserable? It's about being thankful for what you do have, and not what you THINK your life lacks. It seems to me that for so long I have been feeling that money has held me back, or that I needed certain things in my life to be happy. But what are a few worthless slips of paper going to do for me? Buy me something else that's not going to matter when I'm dead? I read a quote today that goes something along the lines of "the may who dies with the most toys, still dies." And that made me realize that when I am gone, the possessions that I acquired through my life do not matter. It's the experiences, thoughts, feelings relationships and perceptions that I had that will matter. What I do with my life. what positivity I put out into the earth, what I do to better myself and others as human beings is what will matter.

I feel at peace. When I consider these things, I feel my eyes well up with tears of happiness. Do you know what a relief it is to finally feel this amount of peace and understanding?

A friend of mine had come to visit last April and she was talking about being "awake" and "enlightnening" herself and was suggesting books like Siddhartha to me as well as books by a man named Ekhart Tollee, and now that I have done some discovering of my own, I can see how these things would have benefited her and opened her eyes to her own reality. It's an amazing experience. I think I'll have to look into some of these books.

So all in all, I'm feeling good.

So my plea to you is try finding the positive in every situation. Choose not to have bad days. Choose to perceive things as valuable experiences and lessons rather than as hardships and bad luck. It will make such a difference.

:D

Restlessness

2009-11-28T21:59:00.000-08:00

I am having one of those nights where I am so restless I don't know what to do with myself. The problem is that right now I am at work and have another two hours until I am able to go home. The other problem is that this weekend, for the first time in weeks, I have the opportunity to finish every single last bit of work I have to do, and yet I cannot stay focussed! I keep bouncing my knees, examining my finger nails, cracking my nuckles, wishing I had a snack here to occupy myself and mindlessly browsing the internet. Every few minutes I will push through about 10 entries or so just so I don't feel guilty about my productivity levels.

The good news is that I bought my gym pass today. It was 128.40 for four months which isn't too bad considering some of the prices at these places. It's essentially getting a month free, because if I were to purchase each month separately it would cost much more. I am hoping the fact that money is tight that it will guilt me into going to the gym. Dropping that amount of money in such a tight time is kind of a big deal and I hope not to let it go to waste.

I had McDonalds for dinner today and I vowed that it would be my last bad dinner until the next four months are up. If I can really commit myself I can reach my goal weight in only a few months. It's going to be hard, because on nights like this when I am feeling restless and bored I usually turn to snacking to occupy myself. Not that I make a lot of unhealthy choices, but it is over-eating that I don't need to be doing.

I'm so restless I can't even complete this blog entry! Perhaps I will try again later. The next few days are going to suck because I am going to the gym tomorrow, working tomorrow night and then have my last two days at Fast Food Place. Then I am free! I hope to continue regularly posting and updating on my progress with the gym.

Until next timeee

Motivated and it Feels So Good

2009-11-28T12:20:00.001-08:00

Hello friends,

Well today I am feeling pretty good. My good friend Lauren over at From Hot To Not have challenged eachother to each reach our goal weight by our birthdays in May. If I want to get under the 160's I need to lose 34 pounds in roughly 6 months. I don't think that's totally unreasonable, either!

Watching The Biggest Loser has inspired me to want to get off the couch and into the gym so I can start looking fantastic. Looking fantastic is important to me, but feeling fantastic is even more important. It was only a few years ago that I could easily fit into a size 8 pants. I can remember the first day I realized I had lost so much weight. I was sitting in subway waiting for someone to get off work, and I looked down and realized I didn't have to suck in. I realized I didn't have rolls sticking out all over the place. Then I realized I could bring my feet up on my seat and rest my chin on my knees with no problem what so ever. I remember how happy I felt during all that, so I went shopping!

At the mall I was still picking out size 12 and 14 pants which is what I had been for years and years and the just weren't fitting right. I guess I hadn't realized exactly how much weight I had lost, so I asked one of the girls working in the store if the pants were supposed to fit that loose. She laughed at me and told me I should probably be in an 8 or a 10. Needless to say I spent a lot of money that day.

I am fortunate enough to remember that short span of time when I was in shape, thin, confident and felt healthier and happier than I had in a long time. I am holding onto that feeling and hope that I can feel it once again. Lauren and I have a shopping trip planned for a dress, a wicked pair of heels and bathing suits.

Our first goal is to each get out of the 190's by Monday December 2nd. After reaching our goal, we are setting a goal for the next week. A friend of mine tells me that we could probably lose the amount of weight we want in four months, but knowing me I will have a week here and there where I feel like total garbage, or I retain a lot of water, etc etc etc and just won't lose anything at all. Setting small goals ensures we will never be disappointed when we weigh ourselves which I think is really important in staying motivated.

Today before work I am swinging by the little gym by my house to get a four month membership. With having to pay my company back that 650 dollars in January I shouldn't be spending money but I am so tired of putting my life on hold because of money. I'll just have to suck it up for a couple months and eat dirt but it will be worth it!

It feels good to feel motivated again.

Say Hello To Lauren

2009-11-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

Hello my friends,

I'm writing a second blog post today (can you believe it?) about my friend Lauren who has just begun the long and difficult journey that is weight loss. As I was reading through her posts I was scarfing down a foot long sub and two chocolate chip cookies. Needless to say I feel like garbage about it. You should all check her out and give her some support. I have such a wonderful group of followers and you've all be so supportive and wonderful to me, and she could use the encouragement!

Change Is Coming

2009-11-21T19:22:00.000-08:00

I am forcing myself to write this post.

I've decided that my lack of posting doesn't so much have anything to do with my having working so much lately, but the fact that I can't seem to start something and finish it. I very rarely see anything through that I've begun and this blog has become one of those projects that I lay to the wayside.

Once something stops losing its momentum I have a tendency to give up rather than push it on and keep things rolling. I've been like this with everything in my life, mostly creative endeavours. I think I just like the excitement of starting something new and thinking about what it could become rather than doing the work to accomplish the end goal. As such, I am writing this blog because I know that I can choose not to take that avenue.

Today I woke up and felt pretty fat. I'm saying this because lately I haven't been keeping to the diet and exercise I was adhering to before. It seems that working seven days a week wore down on my physically, but also psychologically. As a result I am at a point in my life where I am continuously looking to greener pastures, but doing little to nothing to cross into them.

You know what guys? I'm tired of being overweight. I really am. I'm tired of being lazy, disorganized and complacent. I am tired of dreaming of "what could be" instead of doing what I can to make it "what WILL be." I know that it would only take about six months of dedication to lose these 40 extra pounds that sit on my body. I know that I am the only one who can make the changes to make those 40 pounds go away. I just want a quick fix, and like everything in life, a quick fix is very rarely the solution that works out in the long term.

Why is it that I want to lose weight, but at midnight after work I go to the convenience store and buy a bag of chips and eat them all? Why is it that I want to lose weight but choose to sleep in, and, when I wake up, sit on my computer and mindlessly watch television? Well one reason is that I just got dumped again by the person I have been seeing on and off for the last five years. I am not one of those people who gets depressed over a break up. I am not the type to cry or rebound or do any of those typical break up things. Instead I watch movies and tv shows online that have little to no emotion or romance and I just block out what I am feeling. I don't really feel much about it at all because I know we're just going to get back together anyway, so I don't see the big deal. I don't even really consider it a break up, but rather the removal of the label on a relationship which releases the pressure to live up to certain standards and expectations whilst going through a stressful time. It's silly. But there's not much you can do when you live long distance. I know some of you out there may be able to relate to that.

Since I failed my CCS course and I know 650 dollars is going to come out of my pay in January feel very reluctant to spend any money I have right now so as to save for the brutality of my financial state in the months to come. Fortunately my company will pay for me to re-take the course and if I pass I will get the bonus next November to make up for the 650 I will be losing, but still. It makes me feel like all this work I've been doing the last few months has been for nothing, and it certainly makes me feel like spending that money on a gym membership is a big no no. But is it? Should I really put my health and well being aside because of money? The answer is NO.

I haven't been writing for Nanowrimo. I started but ended up getting caught up in doing nothing. Ha! How someone can spend so much time doing so little is beyond me, but I somehow manage.

I think it's time for a change. A real change. I am praying that I will get the Monday to Friday position I applied for and am praying for the inspiration, motivation and will power to make the changes in my life that I so desperately want. I don't want to look back on my life and realize I had wasted so much time with this laziness and lack of activity. The way I am living right now, I might as well be dead. I am accomplishing nothing and going nowhere. This is not how I want to be, and it stops now! Sometimes you have to feel yourself hit rock bottom before you can claw your way back up to the top. Unfortunately it takes a break up, a course failure and being almost 200 pounds for me to make that change and step up to the plate. But I'm going to do it.

Hello Hello

2009-11-16T15:25:00.000-08:00

Goodness gracious have I ever been absent lately.

Here's what has been happening: I found out today that I failed my CCS course which means paying back the company I work for 600 dollars.

A position I have been wanting to get into there has just opened and I have applied for it. Despite the fact that I failed this course I hope they will still choose me for the position. If they do... It will mean a lot of positive changes in my life including a larger salary and actually working Monday to Friday for the first time in my life. Never have I had weekends off, and I would really love for that to happen for me. So please keep your fingers crossed.

I am down to roughly 193 pounds. I've really fallen off the exercise wagon over the last 2 weeks because I have been very under the weather. I have, however, been trying to make healthy choices. I have eaten take out, but it has been subway sandwiches which, compared to what I would normally eat, are really healthy.

I handed in my notice to Fast Food place. I have my shift tomorrow, then next week off and then 2 more shifts after that and I am done. Not really the best timing considering I have to pay back a crapload of money to my company, but whatever. Now I know for certain that I'd rather be broke than work 7 days a week and feel stressed.

I have made a new friend. I am terrible at making friends. And actually, it's not actually a new friend per se, but someone who I have come to really appreciate having in my life, and that's really good for me. Someone who appreciates the fact that I am such an introvert is really important since all the people I associate with are so extroverted I just don't seem to fit in with them. Strange.

I haven't been participating in Nanowrimo. I thought this would be the year to do it, but it turns out I have a solid book idea. It's something that is auto-biographical but I think it would shock the pants off a lot of people. I want to do it justice because it is my life and if I am going to make it into a story it better be damn good. There's no room for rushing the writing of a good book. So I feel positive about that.

I haven't been getting back to comments or even leaving comments for people lately. I've been in kind of a dissociative state. Kind of by myself, not really connecting to people and remaining more or less reclusive and distant. I am really looking forward to December when I can get back into writing in this blog regularly.

I appreciate all my followers who have remained followers despite my absence and despite the fact that I haven't been all that communicative. I hope to change that soon.

Entitlement

2009-11-10T13:55:00.000-08:00

People's sense of entitlement really gets to me sometimes. Whether it's the old man in the parking garage driving half way in my lane and getting pissed at me for it, or whether it's someone who thinks they deserve a certain girlfriend/boyfriend or whether it's someone who thinks they deserve to be more well off than they are, it makes me angry.

As human beings we deserve nothing. We are not entitled to anything. Our selfishness and inability to humble ourselves has caused us to believe that the things we are greedy for are the things that we deserve to have. Just because you are a nice person does not mean the world owes you something. Just because you bust your hump at work doesn't mean you deserve something. And most times you will find that just because you feel you deserve something, does not mean you are going to get it.

Don't even get me started on the people who think that they should just have things handed to them. So what if you're a good person? So what if you're nice? If you're not going to put yourself out there and do the work then you don't deserve anything you want! When are people going to learn to get over themselves? When are we going to learn that just because we stand on two feet it doesn't mean we own the world and everything in it?

Does anyone else out there feel frustrated by this? It goes so much deeper than those things on the surface that I really wouldn't know where to begin getting into the real grit and grind of the situation. But I think you all know what I am talking about here.

*sigh*

This Is Where It's At

2009-11-07T12:43:00.000-08:00

It's been 2 months of working seven days a week. In that time I have had one weekend off which was spoiled by arguments and sadness. I feel like my life is dragging on, that I am not being productive in the least and sometimes that all of this is for nothing.

Under normal circumstances work does not stress me out. It doesn't bother me to work hard and work a lot. What's been bothering me is other people's negativity. If I were to take a personality profile test the result would be "Counsellor." I am an INFJ through and through if you consider the Meyers Briggs personality profile. This means I am an issue magnet for issues large and small, for people far and wide. This means that even if I want to tell people to "shut up about it already" I can't. I just sit and listen and counsel and advise.

But what can you do for people who just never change? They bask in their own negativity. They breed more and more self doubt and as every day passes their self confidence goes to the pits. Your words cannot make someone else feel better about themselves- not permanently. Sometimes people want to vent but they don't want to change. People are very adept at making excuses for why they can't do something, or why they can't change something and seem to fail miserably at seeing opportunities and solutions.

Over the past 8 weeks I feel like negativity has surrounded me and I am now drowning in it. I want to scream, or cry or do both, but I have no alone time to get myself together.

I have also been struggling with something on a very personal level that I can't really disclose here, and as I try to figure all that out, I really seem to have no room for thoughts of anything else.

There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. A position I have been waiting to have open up just has this past week and I hope to God above that if I apply that I will be able to get the position. That means Monday to Friday shifts, that means weekends off, that means pay raise, that means working on a team that is competent. That means no more Fast Food Place!

Sorry I haven't been posting anything noteworthy. I hope my life will even out soon and I can begin to get back into posting regularly and have some positive things to say.

Nanowrimo

2009-11-01T01:41:00.000-07:00

Well folks, it's nanowrimo time! I am going to keep this post short because I want to save my energy for the writing madness that is about to ensue!

I just wanted to wish everyone luck on writing their 50k words in 30 days! We can do it!

If anyone is looking for a writing buddy feel free to look me up at sandra052785.

See you there!

What Is Holding You Back?

2009-10-31T12:50:00.001-07:00

Dear Friends,

Are you doing what you want to do? Are you living your dream? Do you wake up every morning feeling excited about what you have in store for you? Do you go to bed at night so thankful for what you accomplished in your day?

I wish that were me. Instead of all those things I go to bed at night praying for the next day to pass by quickly. I wake up in the morning wishing I could just sleep the rest of the day. My life, as I know it, is passing by in a blur and looking back I feel that I have nothing to show for it. So what is it that holds us back from saying to ourselves "You know what? I have a dream, and I'm going to live it!" For most of us I think we think about the obstacles in the way of our dreams more than we see the opportunities to achieve them. That's what I do. I find myself saying "I can do this when..." and "I will be happy when..." but really, what's stopping me right now? What is it that's holding me back from stamping out this working 7 days a week business and doing what I want?

I'll tell you - it's fear. I'm afraid to fail. I'm afraid to give up what I've worked for and find that my dream isn't what I thought it would be. I'm afraid if I stop working 7 days a week that I'll be in debt forever. I'm afraid that I'll write a book and no one will read it. That I'll move out of Vancouver and feel like I've missed great opportunities here. I feel that they're all legitimate fears, but how can I truly know if those fears will become a reality if I don't shake it off, take a risk and just LIVE?

I'm telling you, right now I'm feeling very impulsive. When I think about things this way it makes me want to pack up and go to my next destination. I want to just say "screw the Man!" and live on my own terms. But reality sets in and I remember I have bills to pay, I have cats to feed and I have a responsibility to take care of those things before I can just say screw it and do what I want.

Maybe in six years when everything is paid off....

Ugh Ugh Ugh

2009-10-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Hello, all!

Things have been crazy here. Not that I really do much other than work, but it seems that the Monday to Sunday grind is getting me down and I just don't seem to have the energy or attention span to do much blogging lately. Or reading. Or commenting. It actually makes me feel a little bit stressed when I look at my home page and see all the wonderful blogs everyone is posting that I Just. Can't. Read. Why? Because I spend any free time I do have watching mindless drivel on youtube!

I don't know friends. I am starting to wonder if working two jobs like this is really worth it. I mean, I don't have family or kids. I have cats though, but they just need food, water and a clean litter box. What else would I really do with my time?

I do this to myself a lot. I get bored just sitting at my office job doing the same thing over and over again, not making use of my free time, kind of not achieving anything and I get this brilliant idea that I should start a second job. And then when I start my second job I think about all the things I would be doing if I weren't working so much!

I fell off the Operation Get Un-Fat bandwagon. We had a pot luck at work last week and I found myself indulging in all kinds of delicious treats. Most notably these fantastic home made oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. They were so good it was unreal. I ate so many. And then I blew it. I did keep up with exercising though, which is pleasing. This week however I seem to be very weak and can't make the numbers in squats or push-ups that I had been. I don't know what my issue is. Today I need to grocery shop and get this diet back in order! I was doing so well. So sad.

Do you see how chaotic this writing is? At least that's how I feel.

Anyway. Nanowrimo starts soon. I'm pretty excited. I really want to do it this year and I want to succeed. I'm afraid that this foggy state of mind I've been in lately will get in the way. I just need to get organized. It's the OCD in me. If things aren't organized in my life it feels like everything is totally out of control. I feel like I need a week vacation just to get things back into order. If you are participating you can look up my name on there: sandra052785

That's all for now.

Over the Top

2009-10-24T16:36:00.000-07:00

Laura over at The Forgotten Brush has nominated me as an Over The Top Blog. I mean, there's over the top meaning ridiculous, and there's over the top meaning awesome. We're going with awesome! There's no little badge or anything, which is cool, but it does mean I have to fill out this little survey which is neat-o.

1 Where is your cell phone? In my purse.
2 Your hair? Long, red, luscious. I lovei t.
3 Your mother? Back in Ontario.
4 Your father? Back in Ontario with my mom.
5 Your Favorite food? I don't think I really have a favourite. I like many things, but also dislike many things.
6 Your dream last night? All of my dreams are ridiculous. There's no other word for it.
7 Your favorite drink? Water.
8 Your dream/goal? To write a book, to get out of debt, to be physically and emotionally healthy and happy!
9 What room are you in? In my office at work.
10 Your hobby? Work? Oh boy. That's sad, isn't it? Yeah, definitely sad.
11 Your fear? Having panic or anxiety attacks.
12 Where do you want to be in six years? Debt Free! Living in a small town with the one I love.
13 Where were you last night? At work. After that, in my bed.
14 Something that you aren't? Motivated.
15 Muffins? Very tasty if not rock hard.
16 Wish list item? Money. Or a piano. Hmmm... I'd take a piano over money actually.
17 Where did you grow up? In a tiny town called Stevensvile. And then other places in the Niagara Region.
18 Last thing you did? Typed. This. Word.
19 What are you wearing? Jeans, shoes, underthings, t-shirt, sweater, my awesome face.
20 Your TV? I don't own one.
21 Your pets? Adorable and wonderful.
22 Friends? All very far away.
23 Your life? So far so good, with a few ups and downs!
24 Your mood? Cool, calm, collected.
25 Missing someone? Always.
26 Vehicle? 2008 Pontiac G5. Performance Red. I love it.
27 Something you're not wearing? Socks.
28 Your favorite store? The grocery store hahaha.
29 Your favorite color? I haven't got one of these. I love different colours for different things.
30 When was the last time you laughed? This afternoon.
31 Last time you cried? I can't remember. I don't really cry much over my own feelings. But I cry at almost every movie/tvshow/thing I see that doesn't involve me.
32 Your best friend? I have a few of these. They're all lovely in their own ways and for their own reasons.
33 One place where you go over and over? Small BC towns in the mountains.
34 One person who emails you regularly? Hmm... No one actually.
35 Favorite place to eat? Swiss Chalet, Boston Pizza, Pizza Hut, Subway, at home.

A Wonderful Find

2009-10-24T16:16:00.000-07:00

Some people are gifted and it breaks my heart. I read some things and see some things that make me feel like I've been transported back into some old world of forgotten times and places. It stirs something deep in my chest. It's almost kind of a desperate feeling to be immersed and involved and just part of it. Very strange, but wonderful.

Today I clicked on the blogs of note tab and discovered a new blog to follow and it fills me with deep delight. The Hermitage. The second I saw that intricate and bizarre and wonderful header I knew that I'd be reading something wonderful. Just look at her words and her artwork! Do you not see what I see? It makes me feel like I've just opened a very old book and smelled that smell that old books have. You know the one. *sigh* I'll stop myself there.

Do you have any books or things that you read/look at that bring up that overwhelming feeling? I'd love to hear about them. As someone who truly enjoys old ancient things, I get very excited when I see something that reminds me of that, even if it's not old or ancient. Please share.

Lack of Motivation Plus Pizza Makes Sandra Feel Bad. (youtube, too)

2009-10-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

I've been a blogging loser lately. I feel like I want to write, and when I click on that 'New Post' button, I see the blank page and think "screw it, I'll do it later." Why? I don't know. Maybe it has something to do with working so much. When I have free time I tend to waste it wholly on reading useless things online. Oh, and a lot of youtube. I can't help myself! I just lose hours to it and it's pathetic.

This week I made a few calls to the bank, to my creditors and looked at my Super Budget a lot. I got denied for a consolidation loan and denied for a credit line increase. I wasn't really expecting anything different but some part of me was very hopeful that they would say "Congratulations Sandra! You're approved!" but I know that only happens when you get sketch bag Capital One letters in the mail telling you that they guarantee you 10 000 dollars if you sign up with them. That, and in my dreams. I'm still hoping that I passed that God Forsaken CCS course exam, but who even knows. I have a feeling that I failed just because those are the kinds of lemons that life likes to toss my way. How much more lemonade can I drink?

In other news, I ate a couple slices of Pizza on Monday and hated myself for it. I almost just wanted to throw it all up, but since I have an incredible fear of vomitting I sucked it up and dealt with it and gave the rest of the pizza to my roommate. I find that the good thing about this diet I am on is that I now know for certain that I don't even want to eat bad food. I don't even like it that much anymore, and it makes me feel terrible afterwards. Immediately I noticed a difference in how I was feeling. It could have been psychological, but that's enough for me to know that I should continue on doing what I have been doing so I can feel good about myself.

I still haven't bothered to buy a skipping rope, but have continued doing the routine that I've set out for myself. It seems that I don't feel sore the next day anymore. Today my legs are a little bit sore, but there is no waddling involved like there used to be in exercise recovery days past.

Do you ever get that feeling that you're "letting yourself go?" I am getting that feeling latley. My room is a mess right now. I can't tell you how stressful that is to me. Just looking at all the crap I have laying around. Why don't I do anything about it? Because I'm watching youtube damnit which qualifies as being busy, which also means that I just can't do it right now! What a terrible excuse!

Are you feeling the tone of this blog right now? It's relatively emotionless. Kind of ho hum I guess. But I figured I should write something.

Hopefully I can get up the motivation to catch up on all the blogs I haven't been reading lately! Someone kick me in the butt please!!

Blog over!

(worst sign off ever?)

The Future Looks Bright

2009-10-17T22:31:00.001-07:00

Miraculously I am still under 195 pounds today. It seems that so often when I step on that scale and see something below 195, the next day it goes up to 196 or 197 and then down again. I can never get a consistent reading. It's really discouraging when you think you've lost that pound and then all of a sudden you're up 2!

I try to weigh myself at the same time every day, and that is when I get out of bed in the morning. Today I am still at 194, which is disappointing because yesterday I was at 193, but I suppose that's just how my luck is. I exercised today too which is good. I have successfully made it 2 weeks eating healthier and have been sticking to my work out schedule. Next week I am hoping to work out 3 times to see how that goes. I really need to increase my squats because it seems I am recovering far too quickly for any real progress to be had. Hopefully soon I can get that skipping rope as well.

Something that I have noticed since chaning my diet to more fruits, veggies and less frozen dinners and take out is that my finger nails are so nice and strong. I never have strong nails! They always get very flimsy and peely and I always have to keep them super short because there is no real sense in trying to grow them out. And I don't have any of those pesky white spots either. I am very pleased with this. I would paint them but over at Fast Food Place you're not allowed and I really don't feel like getting in trouble for something so ridiculous.

What else? I might be moving to Vancouver Island next year. I'm hoping so any way. I have so missed living in a quaint little town where everything is walking distance and you see the same people almost daily. I might actually even go to college in the fall if my debt plan succeeds. This might possibly mean more hours at Fast Food Place, which means less free time for me but it seems that it would be worth it just to get rid of those pesky credit cards and my rather large line of credit payment. Cross your fingers for me that fate is on my side with this one, because I don't want to feel the disappointment of being stuck alone in Vancouver for eternity.

I'm feeling like life is on the up and up. This new diet and exercise thing is actually giving me more energy though I do find that I have been waking up feeling rather stuffy and tired. Perhaps sleeping with the window open is in order. I am feeling much better physically. The next step is to find a family doctor and get a full physical. I'm marginally terrified of that. I don't exactly have white coat syndrome but I have this strange paranoia that they will find something wrong with me an then I'll have to deal with it. I guess if there's something wrong it is better to know than to not know, but on the other hand, ignorance is bliss...Isn't it?

Here's hoping that I am able to get through these next few months relatively unscathed! Wish me luck.

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-17T01:25:00.000-07:00

Hey all! So, who's participating in Nanowrimo this year? I know I am! I just re-activated my account from last year and updated my info. I'm pretty pumped. I haven't got a clue what I am going to write about yet, but I really hope to accomplish something with this challenge. I know it's going to be hard to turn out 50k words in 30 days while working 7 days a week but I suppose if you are committed to writing then you make it work no matter what. I spend enough time sitting at the computer doing next to nothing. Perhaps I can turn that into doing a whole lot of something.

I don't fully understand all this writing buddy stuff and how it all works but my username is sandra052785 and if you want to look me up there, that'd be pretty neat-o. Also if you have a Nanowrimo account let me know what your username is and I'll look you up!

Imagine if all of us each write 50 thousand words? Wouldn't that be awesome. It's probably not going to happen because I will probably be the one person out of everyone to not finish writing (or not start writing as it were), but I hope not!

Oh Sweet Vanity!

2009-10-17T00:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

How awesome is this?

My friend Chrissy (not on blogger) painted a picture of me today which I think is pretty excellent. I absolutely love the colour and the way she did it. Her painting reference was a picture of me where most of my face is cut off and it's just my eyes peeking over the bottom of the photo. She had this long, slender canvas and she figured out a way to really use the space which I probably never would have thought of. The eyes are dead on, too which is very pleasing. Whenever I draw eyes I always mess them up and make people have lazy eyes. I am sorely out of practice.

Oooh how I love creativity! It makes me want to paint really bad. One of these days.

So very pleased.

Toast is so good.

2009-10-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

I really love toast. All kinds of toast. I really love it when it is just on the verge of being burnt, but not black. I like it when it's super hot and delicious and with margarine on it, but not when other people put margarine on. I don't know what is wrong with people but they have a sickening tendency to slather butter on just about everything and it grosses me out. It all has to be completely melted on the bread before I can eat it otherwise it tastes disgusting. Do you know what I am talking about? Do you think I am insane? But seriously, all melted. mmm. I just had some toast and I thought I'd let you know how delicious it was.

So I haven't said much about OGUF lately. I stepped on the scale today and was 193. For those of you who have been following for a while you'll remember that I have been stuck at 195 for ages! How did I get so fat? Anyway. This week has been different for me. I started a workout routine which basically includes body weight squats, cheating push ups, some exercise band arm workouts and occasionally some sit ups. I know, it is pretty crappy but it makes me feel good about myself. Also I have changed my diet. Kaitlyn over at Rage Raw has inspired me to pursue a more raw diet. I went to the grocery store and bought some more bananas, kiwis, mandarins and other healthy such things. I actually bought red peppers and I actually ATE them. Well, one. I will finish the other one this weekend. That is huge, guys. I hate buying vegetables and eating them. But once I cut into that baby and smelled the sweet peppery smell and opened up my little container of delicious french onion dip I remembered why I bought them in the first place. Pure deliciousness.

I also bought some Special K cereal (original, thanks) and have been slicing up bananas and eating it dry. Please don't think it's disgusting. It's just that milk is so gross and I can't understand why anyone would ever in their life choose to drink it. Voluntarily. And with pleasure. It makes no sense.

It seems that cutting out the frozen dinners and eating more fresh foods has been making me feel pretty good. I'm excited. I would like to see 191 or 192 on my scale by this time next week. Fingers crossed!

You Wanna Know Something Else Exciting?

2009-10-15T01:32:00.001-07:00

Christopher over at the Very Top Five Blog nominated me for an award! He says:
Be Patient I Am Getting To The Point For her posts which manage to be perceptive, personal and often very funny all at the same time. And she likes cats, which is aces with me.

I am quit pleased right now. This is the second blogging award I've been nominated for and it makes me pretty excited. So I suppose the goal is to pass on this award to five other people... So let's see, in no particular order I nominate the following:

Karilynnlove over at Thoughtful Confessions.

Amayan over at What Dreams May Come.

Jennifer over at Ex Hot Girl.

Dawn over at For the Love of... Eloquence

and last but not least,

Kaitlyn over at rageraw

I was going to write out why I love all these blogs but the fact that I am mentioning them probably means they are awesome enough that you should go check them out. Truthfully I love winning these awards and appreciate them so much but also love having the opportunity to showcase some blogs that I read and love. They rock in a super way.

Here are the award rules:

Each Superior Scribbler must in turn pass The Award on to 5 most-deserving Bloggy Friends.
Each Superior Scribbler must link to the author & the name of the blog from whom he/she has received The Award.
Each Superior Scribbler must display The Award on his/her blog, and link to This Post, which explains The Award.
Each Blogger who wins The Superior Scribbler Award must visit this post and add his/her name to the Mr. Linky List. That way, we’ll be able to keep up-to-date on everyone who receives This Prestigious Honor!
Each Superior Scribbler must post these rules on his/her blog.

I have no idea what the Mr. Linky List is, so I won't be doing that.

Do You Wanna Know Something?

2009-10-13T10:48:00.000-07:00

Something...exciting even?

Awesome! The wonderful and amazing Karilynnlove over at Thoughtful Confessions has posted a little interview with me on her blog and I'm pretty excited about it. You should hop on over HERE and read it. If you aren't familiar with her blog you might want to take a few minutes out of your day to read through some of her other posts, it's totally worth it.

I'm so tired right now so I am not going to really post anything further at the moment since the interview is kind of like me writing to you in a way...sort of.

Hello to my new followers :) Every day that I see a new follower I get pretty excited. Well, really excited. I appreciate it so much, you really have no idea.

So go! Frolic! Read!

Recovery

2009-10-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I haven't written a post in a long time. The truth is that I had a pretty miserable week and I just didn't feel like spewing it out all over the place in the blogger land. I have today and tomorrow off which means I can relax and recuperate and hopefully start next week fresh.

Wednesday I decided to take control of my weight issues and do some exercises. I did a bunch of squats, push-ups (but not real push-ups because I'm super weak) and used those exercise bands to work out my arms. It was pretty successful. And by successful I mean the next day I could barely move. I had to slowly lower myself down into a sitting position which was difficult since my parts and all the muscles around my arms were also in pain. Finally today I can sit and walk without waddling too much so tomorrow I should be able to do it all over again. This time perhaps I will be a bit smarter and warm up properly. Maybe throw some jumping jacks in there.

Jenn (who I adore) over at Ex Hot Girl ordered a jump rope and I thought that was the best idea ever. I think I might do the same. In fact I have been thinking about a good way to get myself moving in a way that I enjoy and a jump rope crossed my mind but I never thought to actually buy one. So I am thanking her for that idea.

Yesterday I decided I was tired of cramming myself full of food that is just plain bad for me. Kaitlyn who I greatly admire over here has really been inspiring me to stay away from processed foods. As a result I went out and bought some apples, bananas, kiwis and strawberries and would also like to go get some grapes and oranges as well as some veggies. I'd love to make most of my diet consist of these kinds of foods instead of the frozen pasta dinners I was consuming on a daily basis. I feel pretty good about it. I just have to get over my cravings for heavy greasy foods like pizza. Chips are my nemesis as well, but they are SO DELICIOUS.

So today I am feeling pretty decent. My original weekend plans got canceled so I think what I will do is go outside for a few nice long walks over this weekend and take a bunch of pictures. The trees here are turning colours and I'd like to capture that before all the leaves fall from the trees. Truthfully the fall colours in Ontario are way better, but whatever. It's still pretty anyway.

Oh, and good news! I paid off one of my credit cards! It was the one with the smallest limit and smallest balance but it felt good to be able to say that it is paid off and finished with! I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Such a small accomplishment can make such a big difference.

I don't know if I have any fellow Canadians following me, but if I do I hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving.

Some Random Updates

2009-10-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

Today it's Tuesday. That means I worked this morning from 530 to 1030 and now am enjoying the rest of my day off because I don't work until tomorrow at 4.

I think it's time to move my furniture around again. My living room is totally hopeless since the furniture in it is 100% hideous, but at least I can play around with all of the 2 pieces of furniture I have in my bedroom. It just feels good to move things around. My roommate gave me a new quilt for my bed, so it's only fitting that I give the bed a new position to match, right?

Here's the goal: To get a nice computer/writing desk for my room and a nice comfy reclining/rocking chair. Doesn't that sound lovely? Oh, and a King Sized bed too, but that is a lot of moolah, so perhaps when I am settled and debt free I will indulge myself in the bed of my dreams. If you're going to sleep on something every single night for many years you might as well pay for something that is going to give you an amazing sleep. Do you agree, or do you agree? I agree!

Fast Food Place keeps slipping the word "management" into conversations with me. I've heard it three times now and I've been there less than a month. I think they want to prep me to become a manager down the road, and while I am usually power hungry and love the control, I just don't want to take that on right now. I seem to always find myself trying to help my employers and employees out by biting off way more than I'm even interested in chewing and I can see myself edging towards that path right now. So far it's just been "can you work for hours tomorrow?" or "can you stay late today?" and I try to accommodate but I just really want to go in there, work my two 5 hour shifts and leave. Is that so much to ask? Maybe if I were a slow learner and a terrible employee they'd rather I wasn't there at all. But as I always say, I think fast food is in my blood...clogging up my arteries. Giving me a heart attack. In a metaphorical sense, but I do indulge once a month or so.

Let's see... OGUF. I haven't stepped on a scale in a while. I am probably hovering at 194 right now. To my credit I have been eating lighter. I have been eating less frozen dinners. I have not been eating out (only once in the last while, which was last night) and working at FFP has got me on my feet, running around and being slightly more active. This is a start. My friend Wayne has challenged me to start doing a work out routine every three days. He basically said "Sandra, just do the routine," so I am going to do it. I guess having someone on your case about it every day helps motivate. It's also motivating because he is on his own journey to a healthier lifestyle and there's no reason I shouldn't be doing the same.

Reading Kaitlyn's blog over at http://www.rageraw.com/ has also been a motivating factor. Kaitlyn is doing a 100 day challenge and so far seems to be rocking at it. I'd love to adapt to a more raw food lifestyle, but if I can't even commit to exercising twice a week, how can I change my entire diet? One step at a time.

Last week was a terrible week. Actually, it wasn't terrible, it just felt terrible. I felt bogged down and sick and unhappy. I got in an argument with the person who means the world to me and it just broke my heart. It wasn't even a big argument, but it was just enough that I felt very, very sad. But I guess no arguments really feel good. Today I am feeling much more optimistic. When Saturday rolls around I start thinking about working at FFP place and wondering if the time is going to drag or if I am going to overflow 100 coffee pots again and keep telling myself that in so many hours my work week there will be done. And then all of a sudden it's Tuesday and it's over and done with! I just keep telling myself "In five hours this shift will be over and I can go home and sleep." I never end up sleeping though, no matter how tired I am. I just can't bare to waste the day asleep, even though being cozied up in bed is nice!

Some exciting news is that I am going to participate in NaNoWriMo. If you've never heard of it and you like writing, then you should look into it. Basically you write a 50 000 word novel in 30 days. Many people never make the 50 000 mark, but some people surpass it. I have been reading a lot of tips and things on novel writing and almost everyone says that your first draft is quite often not much at all like your final draft. This to me says that if I write a crap novel in one month at least I will have written a novel at all. Who knows, maybe I could even turn it into something great with extensive editing. It will be a challenge to do it in 30 days, but I know I am capable. It wouldn't be any different that writing out these blogs to all of you.

I had a dream the other night that I went to a store that sold cosmetics. I picked out roughly 900 dollars worth of Lancome products and in my dream I ended up putting almost every single item back because it would be irresponsible to spend that money. It seems that I can't even make frivolous purchases in my dreams! How sad is it that dreaming things isn't even that enjoyable? Strange how the subconscious works. Speaking of dreams, do you feel that they mean anything? Or do you think that they are just little bits and pieces in your day that manifest in your sleep and produce strange happenings in your slumber?

I'm thinking of starting a blog specifically for dreams. I dream every single night and can usually remember everything. I am one of those people who sees everything in my dream. Nothing is blurry or blotted out. I see in full colour. I see faces, remember names and everything seems to move in chronological order as if I was watching a film . They are extremely graphic and for most people could be terrifying but it seems I have grown used to them. Sometimes to practise writing I will write them out but haven't done so in a long time. It would be interesting to see how Freud would interpret them.

Well, this has been a whole lot of rambling! I will sign off this post with some cat pictures hahaha.

Shaved belly after being fixed.

She always looks so unimpressed getting her picture taken.

Visions of the Future

2009-10-03T22:35:00.001-07:00

You know something? I really don't like alcohol. I can't stand the taste. I like the smell of it on other people, but I don't like smelling it out of the bottle or glass. The strange thing about this is that I always envision myself snuggled up on the couch with a glass of red wine writing or reading with a few candles or low lighting. I don't know why this is. Maybe I have this perception of myself that hasn't yet materialized in reality, and yet there it is.

On more than one occcasion I have been tempted to go to the liquor store and buy something just so I can fulfill this vision. The problem is that I know nothing of wine. It all tastes the same to me (meaning horrible) and I don't have a couch I like sitting on. I could sit in my bed but that somehow seems pathetic. But maybe there's something to this vision. Perhaps I actually should follow through and get that wine (after getting a lot of suggestions to see what would go down easiest and with the fewest screwed up "that is disgusting" faces), sit on the couch, pull out a good book and just have at it. Hmm.

I picture myself doing things a lot. I picture myself dancing, but I don't know how to dance. I picture myself singing on a stage behind a piano, but I am not a great singer and I don't have a piano. I picture myself at book signings, and yet haven't written a book. And I picture myself enjoying a glass of wine once in a while, but I do not drink. I envision myself living in a certain kind of home, with a certain kind of furniture, wearing a certain kind of clothes with a certain hair-do and all other certain kinds of things. I often wonder whether or not when I am in my 40's I will look around me and realize that I have all the things that I always pictured myself to have in the future. Wouldn't that be lovely?

This somehow reminds me of a discussion my roommate and I have once in a while. When he first met me he was so sure that I was a smoker, a drinker and that I had sex. I do none of these things and to this day he looks at me and thinks those are things I should be doing. He believes he knows me from a time before we were formally introduced, but I know that's not true. I told him maybe in a past life he knew me and perhaps in that past life I did drink, smoke and have sex but that is not the reality right now. I pride myself on keeping my liver clean, my not black and my legs shut but so many people I know are jonesing to witness me out of my comfort zone drunk, smoking and having wild romps. Are they seeing something I am not seeing? Is it the red hair?

I have done a lot of work to live within the standards I set for myself. Everyone around me seems to be having a good time and often times I wonder if I am missing out. Is it wrong to just let loose once in a while, have a few drinks, do a few dances and enjoy myself? No I suppose not. But why don't I do it? Ever? I think that it is my own stubbornness playing against me but I can't seem to kick it to the curb. My very best friend and I are total opposites. I shake my head and roll my eyes and feel a burning sense of disappointment when she goes out and has a few drinks with friends at the bar and I used to actually get angry with her for it. I think I'm jealous. Not jealous that she is having fun, but jealous that I don't have the guts to go do the same thing. Jealous that we can't do it together. I guess when you live 4 hours apart you don't have a choice in that matter.

I think it might be pointless to wonder about it so much. Will it make a difference in my life? Will I go rogue and buy a bottle of wine and drink it all to myself one glass at a time? Will I fancy myself up to go out and dance and sing and be "wild?" Not likely. So I say to myself, what is the point? But there must be a point because I keep wondering about it. I suppose, as my blog title says, I will have to be patient until one day I get to the point of it all and actually DO something about it.

Winter Blues Stay Away!

2009-10-03T16:53:00.000-07:00

Some days I wake up and I hate everything. I don't think any of my clothes look right on me, my mascara doesn't go on just so, my hair is all over the place and I feel like I am letting myself go. In reality, I know that everyone has days where they just don't feel like a million bucks. I have been having them more and more often. Perhaps it is time for a change.

My roommate says he heard that when people start hating everything about their appearance suddenly it means that they aren't happy with something in the bigger picture in their life. I thought about it and I can see how that would be true. Right now I am financially stressed. I am bored with my job. I am working in fast food again and I have zero days off. I'm doing very little that is creative right now, I have no friends here and on top of it all I think I am coming down with something. But most of the time I don't worry about these things. I don't get down on myself about how my life is going. To me getting depressed about where you are in your life right now is completely pointless because there is always a way to change it.

I am changing my financial situation by working two jobs. By paying off some debt, I can quit my second job and have my days off again. When I have my days off again I will have more time to be creative. When I have more time to be creative I will do more creative things. I might also take the time to exercise and start step aerobics which I have been thinking about for a few weeks now. But do I have to wait until all of these things are accomplished in order to be happy?

A college professor of mine also said that this could be symptomatic of the winter blues setting in. He said to me that usually around this time of year people start feeling the crunch of school, the onset of bad weather and of course all of the stress that comes along with the holidays. I am trying to remind myself that having a certain monthly friend doesn't exactly brighten my perspective either.

Some things I like to do in order to keep me feeling fresh is changing my bedroom around. Once in a while I like changing the look of things in there because that is where I spend the bulk of my time. I think perhaps on Tuesday afternoon it will be time for another room change around. Something else that makes me happy is cleaning my whole house top to bottom. No one ever sees it except my rooommate, my cats and myself but I like coming home and smelling the fresh scent of clean.

I think what I also need to do is start participating in some writing prompts. Maybe splurge and buy myself a new book. It's been so long since I've bought a "luxury" item for myself that I think I am going insane. I will feel marginally guilty for doing it but I think it will be worth it.

What do you do when you run into times like this where you just start feeling annoyed or unhappy with ridiculous things like your clothes or your hair?

Winning the Lottery

2009-10-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

If you're anything like me, sometimes you get lost in thought for long periods of time thinking about what you would do if you won the lottery. Every once in a while when I am sick and tired of being in debt I fantasize about buying a lottery ticket and finding out that I selected the winning numbers. Of course in the states I guess you'd have to wonder how much of your winnings they would take from you, but fortunately up here in Canada we keep it alllllll to ourselves.

Today was one of those such days where I thought about what I would do. I think first and foremost I would pay off my debt. Then I would pay off my parent's debt and my sister's debt. Then I would buy them each property with a nice little house on it. I would buy myself a house, but nothing too ridiculous. I want to be able to not get lost in the place I am living in, and to me there isn't any great appeal to having a massive home and only one person living in it.

Of course I couldn't leave out my friends. Most of my friends have large debt loads thanks to trying to get a higher education in university. I'd love to help them out with that.

And then I don't know what I would do. I'd probably start looking up some causes that I could help out by making donations. I can't honestly say that I would donate to charity. Does that sound selfish? It probably does. In my eyes, these people don't care about you until they see your name in the paper because you've won, and next thing you know you have everyone and their mother showing up on your door step asking for a little hand me out. I think that I would go on a nice long trip to escape the madness.

One thing I do know is that I would see a financial advisor so that I don't turn into an idiot and go bankrupt.

Thinking back on this post, my get rich fantasy really sucks. There is nothing insane or crazy that I want. I don't want to live a wild lifestyle. I don't want overly expensive things or lots of bling. I think I would treat myself to a few nice things, but when you grow up without very much I think you learn to appreciate the small things rather than the big flashy ones. I suppose over time I would get used to the fact that I did have money that I could spend, but I have this funny feeling that after it's all said and done, I would be a penny pincher, just like I am now. So then I wonder, why is the point of winning the lottery at all? I will change other people's lives and make them happy, but probably will do very little to change mine.

I think money can do strange things to people. Or it can do nothing at all.

What would you do if you won the lottery?

-/+

2009-10-01T01:01:00.000-07:00

Why is the world so depressed?

Depressed people bother me. I know that might sound terrible, but it's true. When people sit around all day and do nothing to improve their own situation and are a bag full of excuses, I feel angry with them. I understand that they are depressed, but I don't understand why they must allow themselves to sink down to the lowest of the low.

Before you get upset with me because "depression is a mental illness," let me tell you that I have suffered from clinical depression. I have done the meds thing. I have been diagnosed and have been to a therapist, which I consequently quit because I thought he didn't know anything about anything. And he didn't. I understand what depression feels like. And I am not talking about "I'm sad because a boy doesn't like me depressed." I am talking "I want to kill myself and never wake up again depressed."

I think I feel angry because I know what it's like to be there, but I also know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I also know that some depressed people are incredibly stubborn and don't WANT to be helped. Some people just enjoy their misery and complaining about it and the rest of us have to look at them and wonder why it is they can't just snap out of it.

The truth is, it's not so easy. It's hard to gain a new positive perspective when you feel like everything in your life has gone down hill. If you're broke and are constantly worried about finances it doesn't help. If your partner leaves you, it's hard to overcome. If there is a death in the family, you grieve. And then there's the whole world that seems to be coming crashing down more and more every day. We're constantly pelted with images of war, poverty and people who are way too beautiful thanks to photoshop, a lot of makeup and dangerous diets. How could you NOT get depressed?

As the saying goes, the rich are getting richer and the poor are getting poorer. We have media who tell us what they want us to hear and skim over the important details of a story. We have governments that are corrupt and greedy. We have wars that we have no business starting or joining. We have nuclear weapons which never should have been created, and we have our fellow man betraying our fellow man because they are consumed with self interest. Planet earth is a very sad place to be right now and some days I wonder if it would be a crime for me to bring a child into this world and subject it to all the horrors our predecessors have created for the youth of the future.

And yet, despite all this there are some people out there who wake up with a smile on their face. Some people do not experience depression. They are happy, they are active in life and they are living it to the fullest. They have a positive attitude, they don't experience the level of depression and anxiety most of us do. They are sad when it's appropriate to be sad and they don't seem to make excuses for themselves. I know a few people like this and when I observe them I wonder what is so different about them than me. I wonder why they are so happy and I am not.

Then I am reminded of a quote I once read: People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.

Isn't that the truth, though? Is it not true that if we stop focusing on all the negativity and started paying more attention to the positivity that we would be happier? Again, I know it's not that simple. Life is not black and white. But I have applied this to myself and have noticed a huge change in my attitude. All the anger and sadness I used to feel has all but vanished. I feel like I have purpose and direction and that despite all the horrible things going on, I can make a difference and my life doesn't have to be controlled by those things. I don't have to consume myself with the media's biased interpretations of world events. I don't have to worry about living up to a certain stereotype or image. I feel free to be myself. Despite the fact that I want to change things about myself doesn't mean I want to adhere to societal expectations (and I really hate that word society), but it means that I want to make the most of this life and not waste it with a bad attitude.

Part of me has always felt that I should be a counselor so that I could teach people to overcome their negative perceptions so they can start to lead a happier, fuller life. Part of me has always felt that I should write a book to open people's eyes and make them see that they way they are thinking and feeling can change. Part of me feels that maybe I am only supposed to do this one friend at a time, one person at a time. Part of me also knows that some people don't change and there is not a lot I can do about that.

Anyway. This whole post kind of sounds self righteous and preachy, but it is something that has been on my mind lately.

Is what you are doing, thinking and feeling right now the way you want to spend the rest of your life?

I know that I am not where I want to be, but I know I am in the process of changing it and I feel good about that.

Sloth is a Deadly Sin

2009-09-29T16:42:00.000-07:00

I was having a discussion with my roommate Sean today about laziness. He seems to think that something in his brain makes him a lazy person. I seem to think that I am a lazy person who has the potential to stop being lazy. And then I realized that I was being lazy right at that moment! Of course I had the excuse of working at 530am both today and yesterday, and of course I could use the excuse that I haven't had a day off in 3 weeks. But I am tired of excuses!

So what did I do about it? Well I put away all my clean clothes, which I absolutely hate, I threw in a couple more loads of laundry, put new sheets and pillowcases on my bed, picked up some scrap papers and such that were on my floor and then.... I got distracted. The bff messaged me so I had to sit down and chat since she is so busy lately. We hardly get any time to catch up. And then I just never got off the bed. Looking at myself in the mirror now on my closet doors I look size cow. The problem is that the glass is warped so it has a fun house effect. It's depressing looking in it so I try to avoid it, but they are the only full length mirrors in the house. As my friend Lauren and I would say, "ugh to the power of ugh."

This week I got so off track it was incredible. I wondered more than once why I was doing this to myself? Part of me told myself that I deserve to eat things that taste good. And then I thought, just because drugs make a person feel good does that mean they should do them? I am so against drugs, and yet here I am packing stuff down my throat (loving every second of it until I'm finished and realize what I'd just done) without a second thought. This has to stop!

A friend of mine has been telling me to lift weights because you burn more calories during rest than you would if you were just doing cardio. I am thinking of buying myself a couple weights and starting out small. Nothing wrong with building muscle tone.

I have to get out of this phase I keep allowing myself to get into. Laziness is just laziness. I know I would feel better about myself, sleep better at night and generally feel much better if I stopped spending so much time on the computer, or spending so much time in this house! Winter is literally around the corner and even though it doesn't get that cold here and I could still go outside and enjoy it, I know that when it comes I am going to be praying for spring to come faster.

I've been thinking about writing a lot lately as well. I'm not up to par with my writing skills of even just a few years ago. I'd like to get started on some small projects in preparation for Nanowrimo (www.nanowrimo.org) which I somehow neglected to participate in last year. I am tired of doing nothing with my life! I hope that in posts after this I will have more progress and more positive things to report!

What are some things that you've done or told yourself in order to get out of lazy phases?

What do I love about where I live? Why don't I show you?

2009-09-28T16:53:00.000-07:00

I have been living in BC for a while now and always tell people that I love it so much more than Ontario. Since I am far too tired to write anything of substance I thought I would share with you some pictures that I have taken of this beautiful province to demonstrate.

First off, I love the neighbourhood that I live in. The houses are so pretty and well kept and we have a great view of the skyline to the west of us, which you can see in the picture below.

I also love the downtown. I hate getting there, I hate finding parking there, I hate how noisy and busy it can be, but I do love looking at it, especially when all the signs are lit up at night.

I love living near the ocean and the fact that you can see Vancouver Island in the distance. Not in this particular picture, but the view is stunning.

I love how vibrant our sunsets are here. They are absolutely incredible. The sky lights up as if it were on fire. I actually have to include a few examples of this, because it really takes my breath away.

*sigh* I Love it!

I also love our mild winters and, you guessed it, the mountains! These particular ones are in Lillooet BC where I went for a visit to my best friend's house.

I think the mountains deserve another look, don't you?

Anyway, I have hundreds upon hundreds of photos of around BC. I'd like to try to get myself out and about more often to take more picture so I can share them with you. This was just a taste. I know the quality in some of them is terrible, but you can blame it on taking pictures through windshields and while on the road.

So So So....So?

2009-09-27T15:49:00.000-07:00

Last night I went into Shoppers Drug Mart, which is a danger zone for me. I have a nasty habit of going in there and spending a ridiculous amount of money. I just love it. As soon as you walk through the doors there is that classic Shoppers smell that I absolutely love. If you don't have a SDM in your city or town, you are missing out. Unfortunately since I am broke (who isn't these days?) I wasn't able to buy everything I wanted. Instead I walked out with one item and one item only, which is the Neutrogena Anti Residue Shampoo, which I absolutely love. Well worth the 8.49+ tax. I also went in at just the right time. I was a lucky customer who was randomly selected to win 1 of 50 prizes for 1000 dollars in gift cards. You can imagine my excitement! Apparently there is a 1 in 20 chance of winning, so I am crossing my fingers really tight.

I am happy today also because the Fast Food Place accepted my availability change and I am now only working 5:30 to 10:30am on Mondays and Tuesdays. Now only working 10 hours a week is not going to bring in the big bucks, but I would much rather have my sanity and a little extra cash than to be broken and sore feeling and have a little more extra cash while also hating my life. I am feeling a little more motivated. I have some extra motivation because if I make this job work and I pay off my debts I can move out of Vancouver and to Vancouver Island with my very best of the best friend S. We have been talking about living together for years and we might actually get the opportunity to do so! I am pretty excited. I'm praying for the strength to stick it out for a year. We'll see.

What else, what else? I seem to have gained back some of the weight I thought I was losing. Maybe my body just wants to be 195 pounds. Or maybe I have some kind of barrier in my mind that is preventing me from really going for the gold, so to speak. I ate like crap this week. I'm not an emotional eater but I think I was trying to balance out my misery from studying with pizza. I need to get back on track, and fast, because my body will revolt against me if I continue on this path.

Have any of you tried hypnotherapy? I have been considering it for some time. I think that it would eliminate all traces of my anxiety and perhaps it would help me to think thin. For some people that is a strange concept but I think it could actually help. Unfortunately for a good hypnotherapist it will run me anywhere between 150 and 200 dollars. That's a lot of cash, but it might be worth it. I think I will continue to do some research, hear what other people have to say and then go for it if I feel it is the right choice for me. But please, if you know anything about it let me know, I'd love to hear about your experiences!

I think that's it for now. Tomorrow or the next day you can expect to see a blog about British Columbia and how gorgeous it is here haha. I have been meaning to write a post about that for a while. I like sharing the beauty that I see every single day. I think I might start participating in some of those cute little Memes or whatever they're called to keep things less boring.

Taking a Ride on the Epic Fail Train

2009-09-26T16:22:00.000-07:00

My goodness. What a failure of a day today was. Allow me to elaborate.

As most of you know, I was enrolled in the CCS course to become a Certified Customs Specialist and today was my final exam. I knew today was going to be a train wreck for several reasons. The first being that I left all studying to the last minute. The second that I didn't finish reading all the course material in time. The third because I lost the address of the hotel that we were writing at. The fourth because I actually don't care about this course and this is not the field that I want to work in for the rest of my life.

I ended up finding the address for the hotel I was writing at last night. I had coffee and pop which is a combination I will never again indulge in. I'd rather just be tired than wired and feeling like crap. I couldn't sleep until almost midnight and had to get up at 6am, which is fine except for the fact that it takes over half an hour to get to the hotel, half an hour to get back home and then 5 hours later I had to be back at work again in the same city that is half an hour away. What a waste of gas. But all of these things don't matter because I went into that examination and failed it miserably.

Looking at the test which was over 100 questions (not that bad) I barely recognized anything at all. I must have taken wild guesses (as wild as you can get with multiple choice) on at least 75% of the answers. My mind was totally fried. And it's not that I couldn't recall information, it's that the questions they asked were questions I didn't even think they would ask! They concentrated very heavily on the Customs Act, The D Memos and other things of the like which consist of thousands upon thousands of pages, sections, subsections, headings, etc and I can't understand for the life of me why anyone would sit and try to memorize all that information when at your job you have all the reference materials and full access to what you need. Does anyone in their right mind memorize those texts unless they are a lawyer, an auditor or someone else more important than me? Frustration!

Looks like I am out 600 dollars. Apparently you can re-write the exam for 100 some odd dollars which I think I might do. I'd rather pay that than 600, but we'll see. One thing I did gain from this is knowing for dead certain that I cannot stay at this job forever, that I cannot allow myself to get comfortable doing something that I love and that despite the fact that it pays decently, it's dry, boring and is driving my brain to atrophy. There is nothing creative about it. There is nothing that is fascinating, interesting or satisfying. Reading that course nearly bored me to tears, so failing that exam may just have been the slap in the face I so desperately needed to get my ball rolling.

So here's to failing. It's not always necessarily a bad thing.

Ugh to the Ugh

2009-09-25T19:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

My name is Sandra, and I am a studying failure. I started my Friday out with good intentions but I fear that my consumption of both a mocha thing from Starbucks AND gingerale has rendered me completely useless. I was supposed to have finished reading Part 4 of my course but I have retained absolutely no information what so ever. I don't even care anymore. This feeling is not so unlike the feelings I used to get whilst trying to study for anything math or science related in high school. All of these ridiculous headings, subheadings, chapters, regulations and otherwise 100% boring pieces of information have driven me over the edge. Part of me is angry at myself for procastinating, but another part of me is angry at myself for signing up for a cousre that I have ZERO interest in for a field that I know is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I am the type of person who likes to get everything I can out of a job, but I think this time I have bitten off more than I can chew, or more than I am interested in chewing.

This, friends, is the story of my life. I feel like I know what I am meant to do. Do any of you ever have that feeling? Something that dawns on you one day and you just know that is the direction that life will take you? I, for one, know that I am meant to write a book. I know that I am meant to do a relatively boring job with decent pay. That I am meant to work hard, but that I am also meant to pursue my passions and eventually transition into having those passions also be my financial provider. I am not just saying that I know I am meant to write a book because I paid 80 dollars to see a psychic and she told me so. It's something that I have insitinctively known for years now. There is a certain comfort that comes from that, but almost a certain frustration.

I feel on the edge constantly. I feel sick and tired of waiting for things in my life to happen and sick and tired of not knowing how to achieve goals I know I am meant to achieve. I know that must sound bizarre. I know that it also must seem black and white- if I want to write a book, I should just do it, right? Wrong. And I can't even tell you why.

So all in all I have decided that I don't care about this course. I have no interest in it what so ever. I have absorbed all I can for the time being and if it happens that I should fail the course, it is my own fault, but it is also if little to no consequence to me aside from having to fork out the 600 dollars my company paid for me to take it. Whatever. Good thing I have 2 jobs now.

Sometimes I just like letting fate take the reigns. If I am meant to pass this course, I will, and if I'm not, I won't. There is a chance that I might actually be able to pass with the knowledge I DO have, so we'll see.

Anyway. I just wanted to rant a little bit to all of you, not that you care about my stupid boring course. It just makes me feel better to get it out in the open and off my mind instead of sitting here and stewing about it.

Now I am going to relax for the rest of the night. Watch a movie perhaps. Get a really good sleep. Start tomorrow fresh and pray that what I've done is enough.

Mascara Everywhere.

2009-09-25T01:50:00.000-07:00

Right now I am sitting in bed with my laptop and I have mascara all over my face. Not because I put it there on purpose, but because I have been laughing to the point of tears, gasping breath and a sore throat. I am just in one of those moods today where everything is hilarious to me. I think it has to do with the caffeine I had today, which I usually never have. Surprisingly it made me very chatty and put me in a good mood, which usually never happens with coffee. Normally it makes me panic and feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. Not so, today!

Don't you love how good it feels to just laugh, laugh, laugh? I really believe laughter is the best medicine. If you spend a day locked away bawling your face off over whatever, the second you let a laugh escape it's like you just cannot sink back into that bad mood. You just can't! At least that is the way it is for me.

I needed a positive attitude today. I am feeling weighed down because of this Exam on Saturday and knowing that I only have tomorrow left to learn everything I need to know really sucks. I feel like I am never going to finish reading everything and unfortunately this is a familiar feeling. It's the crunch after the delicious procrastination and oh boy, am I ever feeling it! I can't wait for this week to be over. I really can't. Actually, I can't wait for the next four months to be over, but I guess time will pass as it does- slow, fast, grueling, too fast- you know how it is. I'm trying to keep my level of stress down, but it's hard. I know things are going to happen how they're meant to, but that doesn't mean I should give up and stop trying.

Anyway, I think I've tired myself out. My throat is sore from all that giggling and laughing. Tomorrow is going to be a long, long day so I better rest up.

The three blogs that almost literally split my sides are as follows:

http://www.livitluvit.com/

http://steammeupkid.blogspot.com

and

http://exhotgirl.blogspot.com/

Tourist in my Hometown.

2009-09-24T23:24:00.001-07:00

Have you ever looked at your hometown through the eyes of a tourist and got a whole new perspective on it?

Niagara Falls, Ontario is a huge tourist attraction in Canada. The Falls are gorgeous. There's great views, lots to do and lots to see. I have lived there my whole life (with the exception of a few years) and I never really appreciated why people from across the globe choose to come to the Honeymoon Capital. Truthfully, I just thought of it as being a place to go on hot summer nights to Clifton Hill, or where people go to gamble, or where people go to get their adult entertainment at any one of the various night clubs.

Last summer I decided that since I had nothing better to do, I would take a walk around the tourist area of Niagara Falls and take some pictures. Unfortunately I didn't get any good ones of Clifton Hill, but you can google it and see for yourself. It's like a mini Las Vegas.

Here are some photos:

Horse drawn carriage - yes we have those. And they're expensive.

The Skylon Tower

The Niagara River... Fancy a swim?

The Maid of the Mist. This takes you right up close to the Falls.

A view of the American Falls with a nice rainbow.

A path by the Butterfly Conservatory

A cart that takes you over the whirlpool.

A boat that takes you into the whirlpool. No thanks!

Nice view from the path by the whirlpool.

I know the pictures are small, but you get the point. I guess I should have uploaded them as "large" but whatever. There's lots to see. That's not even half of what is there. I live in BC now so I guess I won't be going on any more Niagara Tours any time soon, but it's nice to have some pictures to appreciate the beauty of it.

What are you compensating for?

2009-09-24T12:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people who try too hard really make me angry. People who try to hard to be witty, or to have great combacks, or people who try too hard to overcome something about themselves that is obvious and glaring. Like being over weight, like being disabled, like being too short or having a small penis. Sorry, had to throw that last one in there for good measure.

I notice that when people try to overcompensate for all of these physical things, their personality starts to suck. Over compensating comes off to me as being a show off, as saying that they know that they're lacking in some area, but they'll cut you down and try to win ridiculous arguments, or they'll run you over with their massive truck. Do you know what I'm saying here?

I have been reading a blog lately of someone (who I will not mention, because I actually do like some of her posts) who does this overcompensation thing where she tries so hard to put on this bold personality and really has this "I am better than you, it's too bad you don't know it, so I am going to prove it by calling you out in a public forum over something petty" attitude that is just ridiculous and embarrassing. Why haven't I said anything? Because I think it comes from a certain kind of bitterness that I once experienced when I was growing up, too. Not only that, I don't think it's up to ME to cut someone else down publicly, which is why the person will remain nameless.

When I was in my teenage years I seemed to have developed this rage. I was angry that I had an anxiety disorder at 13 that prevented me from going to my grade 8 graduation, that made me take 2-3 gravols a day just to make it through school and my after school job, that robbed me of all of my confidence in highschool and all of the regular high school experiences that most people have. I was overweight, I didn't have an abundance of friends and I was miserable about it. I took these feelings out on other people by embarrassing them or calling them out over ridiculous things and never once considered that what I was doing would be hurtful or that the people I was doing this to even had feelings at all. I tried raising myself above whoever I could thinking that if I made myself seem better, they would think I was better than I actually was.

Seeing this behaviour in other people really grings my gears. I was fortunate enough to realize that going through my life angry and hating things was unhealthy and that it was bringing me right down to the bottom of the barrel. I still have some issues with that, but I am so much better off now that I was. Now I see people who are happy and I want to join them in their happiness.

People are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. That doesn't mean that you have to make everyone else around you miserable, or that you have to show off something to compensate for what you don't have. I think sometimes it just takes someone being loved for exactly who they are. Love can really overcome anything. I was fortunate enough to find someone like that and it's changed me for the better. I wish the same for everyone else.

Dear Friends, I am Le Tired.

2009-09-23T21:12:00.000-07:00

Dear friends of the blogging world, I am exhausted.

Today I did a 6-10am. I regretted it when I woke up at 5am feeling so tired, but am thankful for being able to make up for losing hours on Monday when I was sick. I think I will like working there actually once I get 100% familiar with the job and the environment and the people.

I worked with someone today who rubbed me the wrong way. I am not sure. I guess I am not used to people talking to me like I am an idiot, but I just shook it off because I AM the new person after all. Some people just don't realize that not everyone needs to be talked to like they're incompetent. As time goes on she will see what I am capable of. If I wanted to, I could blow her right out of the water, but I think that I should just keep my ego in check, keep my head down and do what I am paid to do. But I can't help myself. I get into that kind of environment and immediately I get this strong urge to fix things and be the best and show people what I am made of.

I think everyone should always do their best at their job, regardless of how little you are getting paid or how badly you will be treated. When you don't do your best at your job, you form lazy and bad habits that more than likely will carry onto your next job. I know that it took me a while to get out of some of my lazy and bad habits, but I had finally found an employer that paid me decently (at the time) and who treated me with respect and who didn't talk down to me like I was useless. It's those kinds of jobs that make me want to do a good job. That's what I have at CBP, and what I hope to have at FFP. But I must get over the urge to control and dominate everything otherwise I am going to overextend mysef. Today's extra 4 hour shift is only the beginning of me bending over backwards instead of taking a step back and being a regular old employee.

Eating fast food makes me feel sick. I've realized that if I work in a fast food place I cannot fall into the trap like so many and eat the food, even if I do get a 50% discount. I. Must. Resist. Otherwise OGUF is NEVER going to be a success.

Today was good until I realized that tomorrow wasn't pay day. I spent the last of my money on half a tank of gas, cat litter, a sandwich and some Nature's Valley bars. Fortunately for me I do have some fruit and other groceries at home but I hate when it's crunch time and I don't have a dime to my name. I hope to God above that I get paid by FFP on Friday, but I am not getting my hopes up. I guess sometimes you just run out of money and that's that. There's no way around it. I'm just going to have to get creative with my food for the next week.

On October 9th my very best, best of the best friend is coming to visit me from far far away. Well, four hours away anyway. I'm pretty excited. It's hard living in this city and only knowing one person sometimes. I miss my friends dearly, but at the same time know that what I am doing here is the right thing for me right now. Eventually I will be able to move out of this city and closer to my friends, preferably my very best friend, who I'll call S. I can't wait to see her! I saw her only 3 times over the summer, and having lived across the country and in different towns and cities for the last couple of years makes me a little sad. I don't know what we'll get up to. It will be thanksgiving weekend. I have to work thanksgiving which is good for me, but I am sure we will figure something out around that. It's nice having things to look forward to.

I'm praying that I am able to get through the next 12 weeks. Why? Because that will bring me up to the end of the year and I can see where I am financially. Then I can decide whether or not to stick with FFP of if I'd like to quit and regain my free time. We'll see.

Anywho, sorry this post is a little chaotic, and break is coming to a close, so I must run.

My Feet Are Killing Me!

2009-09-22T14:22:00.000-07:00

Well well well. Today was my second shift on the floor at FFP. I rock at breakfast. I actually really enjoy the early morning shift. The breakfast menu is small and there is not really much going on with it so it's easy to take and fill orders. Lunch is another story, but today was my last day working a lunch shift. Fortunately I was able to change my availability so that I will only be working 530am to 1030 am.

I had to go home sick yesterday. Getting up that early after a shift at CBP to midnight is really difficult. I am thankful that in the future I will only be doing 530am shifts and that I will be out of there just in time for breakfast. It will feel like I am not even losing my days off because normally I sleep in until 1pm. It's almost like I will be gaining 2 and a half hours of daylight, not to mention money. I have to work 6-10 tomorrow morning which I kind of don't want to do but it will make up for the 3 hours I lost going home sick yesterday.

I think I am going to like working this job. Fast food is not glamourous but I find that keeping a positive, upbeat attitude and letting customers see that positivity is really rewarding. At least it is for me. I know some people hate working in places like that, but all things in life are exactly what you make of them.

I have done some more studying for my CCS course and I have to say, it's slow going, but at least I am absorbing the information. I only have a few days left before my exam. Having the weight of that on my shoulders is dragging me down, but at least I have been studying. Normally I just wouldn't bother, but there's a bonus on the line!

Not too much else is going on. My cats are still being insane at night which is annoying but I guess it's in their nature. They are cats afterall.

As for OGUF (for those of you new to my blog, OGUF stands for Operation Get Un Fat), I find the more I eat the more I lose. When I don't eat a lot, the weight stays on. I guess this is why they pack you full when you are on Weight Watchers. Eating all those points is hard for me because I really don't like that full feeling in my stomach. I like to eat just enough that I am not hungry. I guess I could get used to eating lots of delicious things but groceries are so expensive! Maybe now that I have this second job I can start slowing increasing the amount of food I eat and see how the results are. Strangely enough, a few years ago when I was living in a small BC town I used to eat pizza and all kinds of crap ALL OF THE TIME and yet I dropped about 30 pounds and was the most in shape I had ever been in my life. Maybe I am meant to be one of those lucky people who eats a lot and who doesn't gain weight? I guess we'll see!

Right now I am going to give myself a break and watch some House. I really am loving that show. It has just the right mix of characters, humour and drama and it's not overflowing with romance (so far) which I really like. I might also finish the second episode of The Vampire Diaries. I see the intrigue of the show but I don't know. It's not really my style. Maybe if I were 12. What I'm really waiting for is the sixth season of Lost. I cannot WAIT! February 2010 come faster!

That's it for now. I hope all of you are doing awesome!

Function Before Fashion

2009-09-20T18:09:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow marks my first real shift at FFP. I'm nervous. Well, right now I don't feel nervous, but I think as 6am approaches I will become more and more nervous. It's totally irrational but I can't seem to help myself. My only hope is that I am able to fall asleep tonight after work. I work until midnight and won't get home until about 12:30. I am going to be running on less than 5 hours sleep which is rather unfortunate, but the nice thing about working an early morning shift is that you get off work in the early afternoon. In my case, 2pm. That means I can spend the entire rest of the day sleeping if I want, but I know that won't be the case.

In preparation for walking on slippery and sometimes greasy floors I bought myself some non-slip shoes. They are truly hideous, but I bet I'll have one of the most comfortable pairs out of anyone there. I've reached an age where some things just aren't worth suffering for, one of them being fashion. If I am going to be standing on my feet all day, tired and stressed, I at least want my feet to not be aching and I don't want to worry about slipping and falling. Not worth it! Besides, even if I had the sexiest pair of non slip shoes out there, it wouldn't change the fact that I still look like a total idiot in the uniform.

What else, what else? Saturday I write my CCS Exam. I wouldn't say that I am nervous, but this is the first exam I've written in all my years where I've really felt it was important to pass. Every other exam I've written I really haven't cared about. If I fail this one, I pay 600 dollars. If I pass, I get a 500 dollar bonus. I guess you can see why it's important to NOT fail. I have been trying to finish studying but there is a lot of information and it is very dry. It's just not sinking in. I am relying on the fact that the mind remembers everything and am hoping when I read the questions it will kick start my memory. I don't feel like I am going to fail. But I must finish reading the material. Please wish me luck.

Other than that, my cats have been going crazy. I don't know what it is. Maybe there is something in the air but they seem to be extra hyper at night. They run around and jump on the bed and get into scuffles and interrupt my sleep. I am thinking I might just have to lock them out of my bedroom. However, it's amazing how long one of my cats can sit at the door and scratch for. Hours it seems. Maybe I should also invest in some earplugs...

Anyway. I needed a little break from doing work and studying so I thought I would do a little write up. There's really nothing much going on here to talk about other than work and my exam, so I will leave it at that, for I am even boring myself.

OGUF and some updates

2009-09-17T21:13:00.000-07:00

Is it any coincidence that every time I sound out "OGUF" in my head it sounds like "ugh" or "Oh God." ?

Today I hopped on the scale and despite feeling bloated I am down to 192. I've officially lost 23 pounds since my move back to BC. That's nothing to turn your nose up at, but I am having one of those days where I think "where would I be if I would have stuck with it?" Probably at my goal weight. Isn't that a depressing thought? But 192 is less than 195, and I am hoping those are 3 pounds that I will never see on my body.

I went to the grocery store and I think I did fairly well for myself. Apples, bananas, yogurt, red pepper and low fat dip, mixed nuts, weight watchers frozen dinners for when I am at work. I guess it's not that bad. But I have been feeling the urge the last two days to go out on a good speed walk and sweat everything out of my body that I've eaten that is bad for me. I know it doesn't technically work that way, but it feels good to break out into a good sweat and get some exercise. I hope I can get up by 10am tomorrow and do that. I think it would definitely lift my spirits.

I realized yesterday that my CCS exam is NEXT SATURDAY. That sounds so much closer than when I say 9 days away. Time seems to have crept at a slow pace over the last year and now that the deadling is looming, I am feeling the crunch. I have so much left to study and I am thankful that the second have of the course involves things that I have previously dealt with. I am hoping I will pass this course because I really don't want to have to lose out on a bonus as well as have to pay back the 600 dollars the course costs.

I had my performance review at my customs broker job yesterday. I did really well. I got a 2.6 overall which is higher than my 2.3 last year. I am hoping by next year I can increase that to a 3. That would be superb. For any of you thinking that a 2.6 sounds like a low mark, it's out of 4. 1 being the lowest, 4 being the highest (and virtually impossible to achieve in almost all categories, except I did get a 4 for quantity of work). They had a lot of nice things to say about me and it was a very positive experience. I meet or surpass all expectations, but I would really like to see myself go above and beyond for my next year. It takes a lot of energy to be totally awesome, but I find that when it comes down to it, it's worth it. It's the difference between meeting expectations and getting a 2% raise and exceeding them and getting a 3% raise. Not a massive jump in salary, but for someone broke like me, every little bit extra helps.

Monday I start my early morning shifts at FFP. I am trying to remain positive about it. I have to stop fearing that I will feel sick or having anxiety attacks while I am working. That is my number 1 obstacle. I know I am fast learner, easy to get along with and that I excel in customer service. I just have to get over my anxiety barrier and trust that I am going to be fine.

Well, I am on my break at CBP (custsom broker place) so I should cut this short and roll out.

And a warm welcome to my new followers. This is exciting indeed. I am so thankful and excited to know that you enjoy my blog enough to read it on a regular basis!

Drive Drive Drive

2009-09-16T12:19:00.000-07:00

Do you know what I love about driving? Let me tell you.

I love getting into my car, turning on my music as loud as I want and singing at the top of my lungs. There are few things that are more satisfying than a long, open highway, a sunny day and some good music. I find it so relaxing to be on the road and just driving to whatever destination is on my agenda. Driving in BC is especially pleasing because there is so much to look at, not that I should be doing TOO much looking. I do want to stay alive. I love when there are no houses, factories or anything else around and I can roll down my windows and breathe in deep. Living in a city there is so much pollution sometimes it's like I can literally feel it clogging up my lungs and I hate it. No wonder so many non-smokers get lung cancer. The air is so thick with pollution sometimes, it's disgusting. But driving through the mountains and trees I feel like I am so far away from it all, and it makes me happy.

What else do I love about driving? I don't really like driving through traffic, but I like letting people in front of me. I like when the roads are packed and people are trying to merge, and when people give me that little wave out their window or in their rear view mirror to show me their thanks. I know how stressful it feels to be caught behind a stalled or parked car and thinking no one is ever going to let you in, and then all of a sudden someone is kind enough to see that you are stuck there and they are willing to let you in the line.

I love driving. But I hate bad drivers. The traffic jam you see in the picture above is from my drive across Canada back in December. Anyone who knows anything about Canada probably knows how ridiculous our winters are. Driving through the mountains after one snow storm and another one on your tail results in bad road conditions and truck drivers ending up in the ditch because they drive like maniacs no matter what the weather. Grrrr.

Tra La La

2009-09-15T23:35:00.000-07:00

As most people know, The Vampire Diaries premiered on the CW network and CTV here in Canada. I just watched the first episode online since I don't have cable and I have to say it's got all the cheesy elements that you'd expect from a teen drama. I don't know if it's something I will continue watching or not. Then again, I read the first Twilight book and wasn't sure I'd bother reading the second, and then I ended up getting hooked. Perhaps this is another Vampire thing I will end up being engrossed in. I didn't think I'd end up watching past the first episode of Truel Blood either, but now I am absolutely hooked, and Vampire Bill isn't even hot. The thing is that I always find the main characters suck and it's the minor characters that really make a show or story what it is. The main characters in this show obviously haven't been developed yet, but I am sure they will end up being more interesting than the boring love between the main characters.

Anyway. Today was day 2 at FFP. I am exhausted right now. I didn't do anything at that job today aside from watch training videos. They're pretty simple but there is a lot to learn. It's nice being able to watch the videos and then afterwards being able to physically apply what you've learned. Of course they're horribly cheesy and repetitive, but that's how they stick in your mind. I don't know how much I am looking forward to learning tills and how to do other things in the store, even though I know I am really good at customer service. I don't know why I am so apprehensive to just go do it.

Let's see, what else. OGUF. Well I guess I can't say I've made any improvements. I don't know why I continue to write about it. I guess I keep mentioning so as to not forget that it's entirely possible for me to stick to a good, healthy routine and to remind myself that I am not doing anything to help myself. It's kind of depressing, but if I continue to address the issue, perhaps I can get to the root of it and figure out why I am so unmotivated. I think it's because I have no one here but me who is going to hold me to it, so it's very easy to not exercise or make sure I am eating enough fruits and veggies, because no one but me is paying attention. Nothing is holding me accountable so I keep cheating. I always wonder what it would take for me to give myself a kick in the pants and just DO IT ALREADY. Any suggestions?

Further to that I haven't done any more studying for my CCS Course. I haven't forgot about it. I think about it every day, but I just do NOT want to do it. The idea of studying bores me to tears. The idea of having to pay back 600 dollars for failing breaks my heart. But I do nothing to improve my situation. This is the way I have always been and so far it hasn't really done me any wrong. Just created a little more stress when it gets down to crunch time. I think I perform more under pressure and I need to leave things to the last minute in order to focus. I suppose I get bored too easily, and yet I know if I could change these habits, I could potentially change the way I live the rest of my life. I guess those are things I should think about in a little more depth.

Aside from that I haven't got much else to report. It's just before midnight and I am tired so I am hoping I will actually be able to fall asleep sometime before 2am. I actually do want to study tomorrow and I hope that when I wake up I won't pass up the opportunity to get some work done.

Wish me luck. If you have any tips on how to get out of these procrastination ruts, I am gladly accepting.

New Job

2009-09-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

Today was the day I started my orientation at the fast food place. Not too shabby. Nothing special, nothing horrible. I don't know whether or not I will love or hate this job. I have a feeling that it's the people who will make it worth it rather than the customers or the actual job itself. It's not something I want to do but I just have to keep telling myself that every day I work there is more money to pay off my debts. *sigh* One thing that will make it hard to stick this out is the fact that I know I don't actually NEED to be doing this job. Maybe it will help me to enjoy it better because I know I could quit if I hate it. I might just find excuses to hate it more than I would if I knew I needed to be there. We'll see.

So apparently OGUF is working a little bit. I have been trying to keep my eating under control. As of this morning I was 193 pounds. Maybe working at fast food place (we'll call it FFP from now on) will help since I will be up and at'em early on Mondays and Tuesdays. Maybe it will help me fit into my uniform pants which I am currently too fat for. I thought I was a size 12, but apparently those pants fit weird. And my shirt is a men's shirt which obviously does not account for breasts, so I am off to a good start at FFP. Hopefully soon I will be all sorted out.

I do honestly hope that I enjoy it here. I think my greatest obstacle will not be learning the job, but will be my anxiety. I was experiencing some anxiety when I first got there today. It wasn't a panic attack, but I definitely was feeling uncomfortable and like I wanted to leave. Anxiety really does a good job at making me want to isolate myself and not step out of my comfort zone. I try not to let it control me but sometimes it just hits me like a tidal wave and I need to take some time out for myself. I guess that's natural for people who experience these kinds of attacks.

Let's see. I tried to fix the look of my blog. I kind of miss my paint photo that I had up there but I just felt like brightening it up. Unfortuately it doesn't fit properly in my header, so until I find a picture that is a suitable size and colour for my blog, it will have to stay empty. I see people with all kinds of really adorable blog layouts and I want one! I've tried looking online but I guess I would like to learn myself how to make my template interesting and vivacious haha. I love that word.

Well, there's nothing too much else to talk about. Tomorrow I learn how to do fries at my new job. I'll have to update everyone on how that goes. For now, I think I am going to watch the latest episode of True Blood (excited!) an episode of House (in love with Dr. Wilson) and try to get a decent sleep.

Wash Away the Negativity.

2009-09-12T16:17:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I've been feeling really tired lately. I think I have figured it out. At work I have been doing a new task that requires a lot of thought and concentration. I've realized there is a difference between physical exhaustion and mental exhaustion. Yesterday I felt like I was reaching my breaking point. Knowing that I had to come in and do 8 hours of something that is really mentally tiring and that I'm not even that good at was really getting to me. I felt like I was on the verge of tears for almost the entirety of my shift. I was drained, I was moody and I was seriously considering taking half a sick day just to relieve myself of the stress I was feeling.

Most people would say that this is how their job is for them on a day to day basis. I can say with confidence that in all the years I've been doing the customs brokerage deal, I have never once dreaded coming into work. I have never considered calling in sick because I didn't feel like being there. I never felt unhappy in the slightest with my job until yesterday. It hit me like a wave. It was a strange sensation for me because my job isn't truly challenging. The problem here is that I know that this is not what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life. I know that I meant to be doing something bigger, something that will drive me, that I will be passionate about and that I will love with every fiber of my being. I know what I end up doing will be creative. This job, while it pays my bills and while I actually do enjoy it, is not what I want to be doing. Sometimes it seems so pointless to continue on, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I want to quit or that I hate it or that I am actually unhappy here. Today I am back to normal though. I found out that I won't have to be doing any more of that rating business. Or at least I won't be having to do it 40 hours a week. As Patrick Bateman says in American Psycho "Relief washed over me in an awesome wave."

I was also nominated for an award by Karilynnlove over at http://karilynnlove-thoughtfulconfessions.blogspot.com/ Sorry, I don't know how to make links really cool or anything. This small thing really helped turn my entire night around last night. Once I figure out how to do the award thing my self, I will. I'm not super new to blogging (I've had several before that have fallen to the wayside), but I suck at all things HTML and posting links and other fancy things. Hopefully I can work on correcting this.

Strangely enough I woke up this morning 2 pounds lighter. I have been stuck at 195 for the past... I don't even know how long. I've lost count. I ate McDonalds last night too (BIG no no). I weigh myself roughly at the same time every day so there's no good reason why I should be 2 pounds lighter, but I am going to take it and run with it. I'd like to think that changing by breakfast to an egg and toast every morning has really helped me out. I tend to eat less in the afternoon if I have a decent breakfast. I have also just been indulging myself in my urge to sleep. Most people can run on 8 hours of sleep, and maybe that just isn't for me. Or maybe I am sleeping more because I know soon I will be starting job number 2, so on my days off I will have very, very early mornings. Anyway. If I could get myself under 190 the amount of elation I would feel would be... well, incredible.

So here's to losing 2 pounds. Here's to working 2 jobs. Here's to doing what it takes to make yourself happy and for those small things in life that just make your whole day.

Excitement.

2009-09-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

Do you ever feel really excited for no reason? Today I feel that way. Maybe it's because my roommate is gone for four days I can scrub my floors and know they'll stay clean for a while. Maybe it's because school is starting for everyone else and I feel the "I want to learn things and do things bug." Maybe it's because by the end of this month the CCS burden will be lifted off my shoulders. Maybe it's because I have a second job I am starting on Monday which means I will be getting paid by said second job.

I really like crafty, imaginative people. I love writers because they are usually insane in their own way. I don't mean insane in a bad way, I mean insane as in they have keen observational skills, they can capture moments and emotions in a few pieces of text, they are insane because in order to be able to deliver these moments and emotions in text, they have to have an extremely creative mind to make it interesting. I think we've all daydreamed at one point or another, but to take those daydreams and put them down on paper (or screens) and transform them into something more than what's in your imagination is really, really coold.

I really like artists because they fascinate me. When I was growing up, I always loved drawing. Always loved painting. I've always had this sort of burning passion for art. Taking it in highschool kind of killed it along with what I'll call my "dark phase." But I learned a lot. Over the last couple of years I have been having a growing urge to make a painting. Something huge, vibrant and intense. I know it's a little ambitious for someone like me who has never completed a painting without my high school art teacher having to do the last touches for me (what can I say? I hate deadlines for art, and I like taking a break from things and going back to it later). I'll let you in on a secret- I procrastinate. I get bored of what I am doing easily. I am fickle. But don't tell anyone.

My best gf is going to school right now for fine arts. It makes me laugh in a way because she can't draw. And yet there she is and she is creating things. She tells me about what her projects are and what she is making and she goes into it full force, and the creative wheels in her mind are turning. I know she has a passion for creating things, and there she is, doing it. I've seen some of the stuff she has made and it blows my mind. And she creates things that I would never think to create in a million years. It's just another amazing example of how creativity expresses itself.

Then there's me. I don't really have any one thing. I think my problem is that I want to do EVERYTHING. You migh wonder, "Sandra, what do you mean by everything?" Well, I haven't formally made a list before, but I'll give you some examples right now:

I want to play the piano. And this is not one of those "I'm 24 years old and randomly want to pick up an instrument" things. This is one of those "I took 7 years of lessons and miss it and crave it and wish I would have stuck to it while I was young." The goal is to finish the 7th and 8th grade of the Royal Conservatory of Music repretoire, take my exams, finish my theory and then I can get certified to teach. But it's more than a certificate showing I finished. It's about perfecting a craft and creating a beautiful sound with just two hands, ten fingers. It makes me cry inside a little when I think about how expensive lessons are, not to mention how expensive pianos are. And since I am a snob, I can't settle for something cheap just for the sake of having something to play. *sigh* One day.

I want to take some painting classes. I want to learn how to properly mix my own paints. I want to brush up (Ha! do you like how I did that there?) on my technique. I want to create things that I can proudly hang on my walls.

I want to write a book. I very seriously want to write a book. I went to a psychic once and she told me I'd write one. I'm just waiting for it to happen. Waiting for the right ideas, for the right inspiration, for the right tone and subject matter to come. Writing a novel is a massive undertaking. I think this year I will participate in Nanowrimo (national novel writing month, look it up!) just to say that I wrote 50 000 words in 30 days. It might drive me to write something of substance. Oh, and it's not enough to actually write the book. It has to be published and people have to buy it haha. Ambitious much? You bet.

What else? Well I know other things I want. Material things. But those three things tend to bang around with eachother in my mind. Sometimes it makes it hard to focus on my job when I think about them. I love imagining possibilities. I love imagining the end product of my work, where I will be 10 years from now, what I will be doing and how well I will be doing it.

Yes, I feel excited today. Because I know all of these things are possible. I know I have it in me. It's just a matter of doing it. But likely I am going to continue to procrastinate starting it. At least until my floors are clean....

A Quick Little Update

2009-09-10T22:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired, again! What is with me this week?

Today I had to work a 12-8 at my job. I am currently enrolled in a course to become a Certified Customs Specialist. I am not sure that I have mentioned what I do for work yet, but I work in a Customs Brokerage office here in Vancouver. For those of you who don't know what that is, basically we are a middle man between importers in Canada and customs. There's a lot more that goes into it than that, but that's basically it.

I had to go in because my final examination is coming up on September 26th. I don't know about all of you out there, but studying is not something that I like to do, so I avoid it at all costs. But if there is a study session where I can listen to other people talk about the subject I should be studying, I am there. I am an observer. I learn things from watching and listening and am not really into reading things on my own. Especially technical stuff. It bores me to tears. So, I got to sit in a board room today and learn some things, which was great. I also go to cut 2 hours out of my shift, and it's also why I am here writing this blog at 11pm, when normally I'd still have an hour left of work.

But back to this tiredness. Last week I made it the whole week getting up before 11. I know, I know. It's not that early, but for me it is. And then all of a sudden come Monday, BAM! I'm exhausted and I just want to sleep sleep sleep. I hope I am not coming down with something. For now I am going to blame the brownies I made. That is the only thing in my diet or lifestyle that has changed. Maybe my body is punishing me for consuming such rich, chocolaty deliciousness. I hope that is not the case, but if next week I feel better because I am all out of brownies I am going to be upset.

I got a second job. I had the interview on...Tuesday I believe. I am in debt, and I want out of debt. For anyone in Vancouver, you can look for me asking you "Would you like fries with that?" Strange. I never thought I'd end up in fast food again. I make okay money for someone my age but I was so irresponsible a few years ago with my money and now I am paying for it. In a way I think it taught me to appreciate money and how far you can stretch a dollar if you are smart about it. But now I am at the point where I WANT WANT WANT and yet I can't even buy myself a new pair of shoes. Well, until now! I am kind of excited in one way to be doing something new, but I am unexcited and dreading it in another. Fast food? Really? Was six years at Tim Hortons not enough to satisfy me? I should have interesting things to say about all that.

I just at this moment realized I still haven't uploaded the pictures from my camera. It's probably going to be a few months before that happens. I don't know why I do this. I get all excited about taking pictures and then I just leave them on the camera and don't look at them. Perhaps I need to go take more and it will motivate me to get moving on that.

In other news, I don't have a lot of other news. I'd like to welcome the new followers who have been reading my blog. I'm really excited about that. I hope that I can start writing more interesting things for you, or at least things that have some more flow and coherency. Right now I am just spitting out whatever's on the top of my head.

I guess I don't have a lot more to talk about right now. Next week that should be changing as I have my Fast Food orientation. Fun!

That's it for now. And this is probably the worst way to end a blog, but there you have it.

OGUF and Exhaustion

2009-09-08T13:10:00.000-07:00

Holy cow has this week ever felt like a blur. I returned to work on Thursday after a little excursion to Vancouver Island to find that my responsibilities had changed. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing, but I liked the monotony of what I was doing (for the most part). I easily adapt to change in the work place but now I am doing something that is more difficult and that I like a lot less. It's a good learning tool and something that I should be taking in stride and trying to do my best at, but... I still don't like it.

I have been successfully changing my sleeping pattern over the last week so I get up before 11am every morning. Yesterday I woke up 100% exhausted. I had a good sleep, went to bed at a decent time and was just wiped out all day. I did some minor cleaning in the kitchen (mostly under the kitchen sink which was a total disaster) and baked some brownies. Nothing too strenuous, and yet I was so tired that I was laying in bed at 11pm and went to sleep for around 12. I slept 12 hours last night. That is something I have not done in a long time. I don't know if my body needed it or if I am coming down with something. I do feel more awake and rested today though.

So, OGUF. Not going so well so far. I haven't been eating anything really bad (at least not in large quantities) and have been pretty active all week. I still have lost nothing. I am wondering how much I have to do in order to lose a few. Currently I weigh 195 pounds. I have been stuck at that weight for the last month or more now. When I moved to BC in December I was 215 pounds. That is the most I've ever weighed in my life. The picture you see in this post is of me (and how awkward looking it is) at almost 200 pounds. I am 5'7. I think it will give you an appreciation of why I don't really try that hard to lose weight. I realise I am one of those lucky people who can pack on a lot of pounds and be fortunate enough to have the weight evenly distributed across my body creating the illusion that I am thinner than I actually am. So for me, losing weight isn't necessarily about appearance, but about endurance, fitness and generally my over all health. I want to feel good about myself, have lots of energy, lead a more active and outgoing lifestyle and not get out of breath doing it. I have a ways to go before I reach a good fitness level, but I am trying... Sort of.

Maybe I need to try a different approach. But I don't know what approach to take.

The Early Bird Gets The Worm

2009-09-06T11:41:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to change my sleeping pattern lately. Instead of going to bed at 3 or 4am I have been trying to get to sleep by 1 or 2. I work until Midnight and it takes about half an hour to get home, so realistically the earliest I can get to sleep is about 1. I'd like to see myself getting up by 10 every day. So far I am successfully getting up by 1030 every morning and am feeling great about it. Today I failed and ended up sleeping past 11 and now I feel like I have cut a sizable chunk out of my day. It's amazing how much difference an hour can make. And yet I am still exhausted feeling.

Yesterday I cleaned my house. Cleaned the dishes, the kitchen, the bathroom (well, not the tub yet, that takes entirely too much energy to do on a day that I have to work and be focussed), swept the floors, tidied the living room and collected all the garbage. I feel pretty good about it. Sadly my house never feels clean because we threw our old mop head out, bought a fresh new one and it's the wrong kind. Mops aren't that cheap it seems. I am hoping to get my hands on a swiffer wet. I love the smell. There is something about the smell and the shine of a freshly cleaned floor that makes my heart soar. The counters and everything else could be a total disgrace, but walking on a clean floor in bare feet feels good. But it will never stay clean... *sigh*

I actually can't seem to focus on this blog post. I am distracted by my cat's strange way of eating. She likes to stand away from her bowl and slooooooowly reach a paw into the dish and pulls out one little piece of food and eats it. This only goes on for a short while until she decides it's much faster to put her head in the bowl and eat like a real cat. She also drinks water strangely. She won't lick the water out of the dish like most animals. She will dip in her paw and lick the water off. It's like she thinks she is too good to put her head down and drink from the communal bowl. Or she is afraid my other cat will surprise attack her while she is vulnerable.

Don't you just love cats and their quirky little personalities? They bring me so much joy, I swear.

Frustration!

2009-09-04T21:18:00.001-07:00

I'm frustrated. Do you ever get that feeling where you just feel like everything you are doing is without purpose? Like you are constantly waiting for something to change? Like you know you are supposed to be doing something, but you can't quite put your finger on it?

I have been feeling this way on and off for the past several years. Probably since I turned 20. Now I am 24 and I feel like I am wasting every day doing something I am not passionate about, and yet I don't know what I am passionate about but it's boiling beneath the surface. Perhaps the lightning is waiting to strike at just the right time, but come on already! My creative spirit is begging to be unleashed but it just can't break through somehow.

The only I can seem to think about these days is getting out of debt, as if once that burden is released from my shoulders I will feel better about life and will go out and do great things. But why do I have to wait? Why is my mind putting up all these barriers and making excuses not to just go out and DO IT? I don't know!

Helping S. move this week has really made me think about what I am lacking in my life here in Vancouver. The main thing is I am lacking friends. I have no social life. I know no one here. Part of me loves it because everything I do is on my own terms, and another part of me misses having a few people to call and spend some time with. Also, when I am with S. I am just so much more active. It's crazy how being around someone makes you just want to go out and do things. When we are together it's like we're always doing something. Even sitting inside and watching a movie feels like doing something. When you do it alone, it's not so much fun. But with S. it's like I've just done the best thing ever. Strange how that works.

Going there cost me money that I shouldn't have spent but on the other hand, I am so glad I did it. Getting out of the city sometimes can be the best thing for a person. It's refreshing to be on a wide open road with barely any cars and just appreciating the lack of civilization for kilometers on end. It reminds me of what I want in life and it drives me to achieve it. One day...

It was a good weekend. I won't bore you with the details, even though they're not boring. They're just all jumbled up in my head somewhere. But I do have pictures. But not of anything that I did. Mostly just my drive and my ferry ride. They're not that exciting. I don't even know if they turned out all right. Taking pictures with the sun glaring in your eyes and the wind shaking your hands is not as easy as it sounds haha. Eventually I will find the cord to hook my camera up and I will upload some pictures. We'll see when that happens. Maybe I will use some of this left over energy to do that.

OGUF so far is a total failure. Well I guess not really. I did a lot of exercising on Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday. Lots of walking. Lots of stairs. Lots of moving around and being busy. Definitely not enough food. This anxiety of mine prevents me from eating too much sometimes. I guess I'm afraid that it will all come up again. I know how unpleasant that sounds, but that's the gist of the feeling. I have been trying to wake up every day before 11. Next week I want to make that 10. That gives me 5 hours before I have to leave for work. 5 hours where I can go out and do things and be active. I'm going to give it a try. Walking around here in the dark is not my cup of tea so I have to re-arrange my sleeping to make time for exercise. I could do it in my own home but there's something to be said for going out and getting some fresh air and being outside.

Well, break time is over.

ta ta.

I'm Back

2009-09-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

Hello friends.

I just spent a bunch of time typing out how my trip was, but truthfully the trip was rushed and short lived so my post was coming out as rushed and short lived. It was just words with no substance. To sum it up, I made it there alive after a not so bad ferry ride and a beautiful drive. I helped .S. move from her dad's house to her uncle's house in preparation for her second year of college. I felt tired the whole time. I embarrassingly screwed up with when one of my bills was coming out of the bank (the day before pay day, drat!) so .S. had to pay for my ferry ride home, which I must reimburse her for. We had a nice time. Not nearly enough quality time together, but the whole point was to help with the move really and to spend a little time together before the school schedule gets crazy. It was worth it.

I took pictures but the ferry was windy as all hell so I am willing to bet they're blurry. Right now I'm exhausted so this post sucks.

I shouldn't even write this right now since I have no creative juices flowing but frankly I am bored and don't feel like watching House or youtube or frequenting facebook. My roommate wants me to play this Grand Theft Auto game but I think my intelligence would hit the floor like a ton of bricks.

I think I'll try re-writing this tomorrow. Maybe I will upload my pictures and flower it up a bit to make it more interesting.

Gangasta out.

So I'll be away a few days

2009-08-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

Well my dear readers, I am officially exhausted. I have two more hours of work left. I am going to make it, but I am not looking forward to the ride home. Something about sitting in that car for half an hour driving in the dark doesn't quite appeal to me. But the bed at the end of the journey is a different story.

Tomorrow I have to get up bright and early (which means before noon) to get ready for a last minute excursion I am going on to Vancouver Island. I am both nervous and excited. I have to meet family that isn't mine and stay in their house. That should be interesting. I know I am worrying about it all way more than I should but when I get nervous I am pretty irrational. I always am thinking about worst case scenarios. I guess that's what anxiety disorders do to a person. I try to remind myself that it's all my mind playing tricks on me, but I have been living with this anxiety so long I don't know how else to think about it. Day by day it does get better though. I have learned a few things in all these years and it seems that I can keep it relatively under control.

It's strange. So many people have anxiety issues these days. It seems like everyone has a problem. Are there really more people out there now that are screwed up in some way, or is it just that these days everyone loves to talk about how screwed up they are? I think it's a bit of both. With all the horrible things going on in this world it's hard to imagine how anyone could not get at least a few screws loose. I think it's sad. But now everything is a disorder. If your brain functions different than other people all of a sudden you have a disease. They don't even consider that maybe your brain just functions differently. It doesn't mean you are dysfunctional. But I guess that's what these pharmaceutical companies push for. More sick people. It's sickening.

That's why I refuse to do the whole medication thing. Sure, I go through periods of time where it's hard for me to even leave the house without getting a classic panic attack. This includes, sweating, pounding heart, short and shallow breathing, my throat feeling like it's going to close up and nausea. It's unpleasant feelings all over. It's the fight or flight response coming out full force with no real discernable trigger. If I really feel I'm going to lose my lunch I'll take half a gravol. It calms my stomach but also makes me drowsy just enough that I can't focus as much energy on being worked up. I don't like thinking of it as a dependency but it keeps me functioning in my life.

So anyway. The point is that I have a fear of my fear. I am anxious about my trip because I am afraid I will become anxious on my trip. Do you see where this is going? But I know that I am going to be fine. But you can still wish me luck :)

To A Crisp

2009-08-29T21:02:00.000-07:00

When I was driving today I thought of a way more clever blog title. Of course I have since forgotten it.

Also when I was driving I witnessed a beautiful sunset. When you drive over a certain bridge in Richmond BC you get a nice wide view of the sky and the setting sun. I find that often times in Richmond when the sun goes down it is a firey red colour. Every time I see this I wish that I weren't driving and also with that I had my camera handy. Some people have a certain talent for capturing the most precious moments on film, whereas I have to rely on the photo album stored in my brain because I never have my camera, ever.

Onto other things. Today was our work picnic. Our Social Committee is raising funds over the next several months so that we can do something awesome for our staff Christmas party. I don't know what we are going to be doing. I hope it's fun. Anyway. I brought my roommate with me and introduced him to my co-workers. It's very strange thinking that I've been working in this office since December but I haven't made any friends here. Of course I talk to the people in the office and get along with with them and actually like them, but I don't think I will ever spend time with them outside of work. This is one reason why I went to this picnic. I don't have any friends in the Vancouver area. It's kind of depressing but at the same time liberating. It's just me and my roommate. I am all alone. I am doing it myself. Not that this is the first time I've made a cross country move alone....

It ended up being a pretty good picnic. I was concerned over how Sean would be received. He's very personable, easy to get along with and talk to and people generally like him. What was I worried about? Maybe the fact that these people aren't actually my friends and it would be awkward. But it wasn't. We sat with my manager and had a great conversation. He enjoyed a veggie burger and I enjoyed some Timbits which I haven't had since my last stint at Tim Horton's over a year ago... Wow. Writing that sentence made me realise how fast this year has passed. Where did the time go? What did I accomplish? Nothing. How humbling time can be. It really showcases my insignificance in the world and all my non-productivity.

I got a sunburn. I need to start wearing sunscreen more often otherwise when I am 30 people are going to call me leather face and think I am 3 times my actual age. I made some last minute plans to go on a trip to Vancouver Island on my days off. I am tired. I can't wait to get into bed and sleep all this heat and activity off. I ate McDonald's and it was delicious and an epic failure where OGUF is concerned. I don't really feel bad about it either. I've always been one of those people who has said "if it tastes good I am going to eat it." My weight has been relatively the same since I was 15 years old no matter how well or badly I ate. I just never had the motivation to exercise and balance it out. I've been doing better with that the last few years. I have to say it has worked in my favour even though I still weigh the same. I guess I grew into myself, if that makes any sense.

But on another note, do you know how exciting it is for me to have followers? It's funny to me how you can start a blog... one little blog amongst millions and someone stumbles across it and likes what you have to say (or how you say it) enough to actually take the time to leave you a comment or add themselves to your following. I find it very exciting and very inspirational. It makes me feel like I have an obligation to stay interesting enough that they would want to keep reading and also original enough that someone else might come along and enjoy reading what I am saying. To the future! Maybe one day I will find myself on the blogs of note list and I will feel like a celebrity minus the oversized shades, anorexia and drug addiction. Oh, and the money of course.

Here's to hope, sunsets, blogs of note and whatever else strikes your fancy. I wish I liked wine enough that I could raise a glass to you all and clang it together with other glasses. Oh well.

Dream Inspiration

2009-08-28T12:35:00.001-07:00

Out of everyone I know, I have the most intense, graphic and vivid dreams. I remember almost every detail of all dreams that I have and most of my dreams have some kind of chronological order that makes sense. Someone told me that it's rare to be a lucid dreamer and to see the faces, colour and detail of everything in your dreams. I remember it all, and sometimes the emotions and events that happen in my dreams feel so real that I wake up and those feeling can stay with me for weeks.

When I was about 15 I began to discover how much I enjoyed writing. I used to write short stories, poetry, chapter novels, etc all the time. I was an administrator on a massive website and moderated a section of it that was specifically for fictional writing. We held contests and challenges and everything else and it was the first community I was involved in that really spurred me on to develop my writing skills.

But some things cannot last forever. Over time I grew away from that website and fell into a depression where I started writing more about my own feelings and thoughts and began blogging. I went a few years without writing anything fictional, and even when I took a creative writing course in college it just wasn't doing it for me. I always felt like I had the potential to write something that was really good, but I just didn't have any creative flow going. I have been waiting for what seems like forever for some kind of motivation or creative inspiration and so to keep my writing active, I have been blogging. But now I feel like I have the answer to my writer's block.

I hope I can keep this idea fresh in my mind and start developing it. It's going to take some research and probably a very long time to complete but I think it will be worth it.

Wish me luck.

As for OGUF, yesterday as a complete fail. I ended up feeling sore from my exercise the day before so I gave myself a break. Then I went to work and ended up not feeling at all well. Today I am feeling slightly better so I don't think I'll be getting any exercise aside from a nice long stretch. However, it seems I have lost 1 pound. It's a small amount, but like they tell you in weight watchers "that is one pound you will never see again." I hope that ends up being the case!

Keep on Keeping on

2009-08-27T12:47:00.001-07:00

Well well well. It seems like my scale has been stuck at 195 for the past month. Sad but true. I need to step it up a notch and get going with this OGUF thing.

Yesterday I did some muscle work outs. Nothing extensive, just a little somethin' somethin' to get the blood flowing and to start introducing some strength back into my body. I feel like so far I am doing pretty good. I haven't deviated too much from eating healthy (a couple cookies for a snack) and I am keeping up with being active every day. Today might be an exception.

It seems that one of my co-workers has been off for the last few days sick. Last night another one of my co-workers went home sick. Today I feel like I want to take a sick day. My stomach was on fire last night and not in a good way. I woke up with the same burning sensation today but I had something to eat and I hope that it will help calm it down.

I have been feeling a lot better about my life lately. Not because things are necessarily working out, but because I have some direction. I have a goal and I am working towards it. Not necesarily weight loss, but the realization that if I work hard for the next year and if I give up a few things I can really make a dent in my debt and start living a more stress free life. I don't even know what my life will feel like when I am out of debt, but I think about all the things I want to buy. The thing I think about most is that I will have a place of my own and I will get to decorate it. I can't wait.

I've applied for a second job and I should be applying for some more. It's amazing how an extra 16 hours a week can really help you out financially. That is, if you are smart with the money. I am not necessarily looking forward to the job itself, but for what the job will bring.

So here's hoping that I can keep a positive attitude and trudge on to greener pastures. And also to feeling better.

Observing the town at night.

2009-08-25T20:35:00.000-07:00

Today is day two of OGUF. I'd say it went pretty well. I didn't study. It wasn't as active as yesterday was, but I did do some laundry, did tidy the kitchen and I did go for a nice walk.

There's something different about this city after dinner hour. When the sun is setting over the ocean and lighting up the city scape and mountains everything seems so peaceful. I just got home for a nice walk. I walked down a street I haven't been down yet, and walked home down an alley I haven't been down yet either. There's something weird about walking behind people's houses in an alley way. It's like you can see what kind of people live inside those houses by looking at what they do with their backyard. There's nothing like good curb-side appeal at the front of your house, but I think that the backyard really says it all. People look at the front of your house so naturally you want to keep it neat and tidy, but the backyard is a different beast all it's own.

In the same alley way I saw two extremes of backyards. One back yard had two beat up cars with peeling paint, missing parts and probably over run with Tetanus. Nothing like a chain link fence, some scrap metal and some run down sheds to relax amongst. Then, a little further up I passed this other house with a huge back deck. It had a fountain in the yard, lush green grass and the deck was covered with all different kinds of vibrant flowers. I wanted to walk up there and sit on it. But I didn't.

It's strange how people treat their living spaces, indoor and out. I think when it comes to me owning a house I'd like to have something like the second house I described. But I think it takes a certain kind of person to put the time into making that kind of area and then being able to put aside enough time to really sit and enjoy it. I will have to keep that in mind when I have my own place one day. As a renter, I dream of having my own place to decorate and change as I please (of course where money is available to do so).

Needless to say I feel pretty relaxed right now. I still have a few things around this apartment I want to clean and organize but I suppose it can wait until my next days off. It will be hard enough to motivate myself to wake up long enough before work that I can go for a walk and still have some time to relax, eat a meal and then get ready before what is sure to be a tedious 8 hour shift.

I will leave you with that. My next walk during the sunset I will have to remember to take my camera. But until then, I will just have to add a photo of the sunset that I took a few months ago.

Day 1

2009-08-24T21:36:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that today was a success. After a slow start to my morning I ended up taking a nice long walk, coming home and cleaned my kitchen and bedroom, did some laundry and even moved my furniture around. Needless to say, I think I will have a pretty good sleep tonight, so I am happy about that. The room is as yet unfinished, but I believe I will complete the rest tomorrow. I don't want to over-do it, otherwise I may not want to continue tomorrow.

I started watching the tv show House. I've seen several episodes before but I started watching all the way from the beginning. I really enjoy this show. I like watching things that I can learn something from. Not that I can understand half of what they are talking about, but the fact that I still enjoy it says something to me.

I also re-discovered a band I used to listen to a lot. Thrice. So amazing. Sometimes I love the feeling of stumbling across an old mixed cd or hearing a song on the radio and remembering what it felt like to hear that song or band for the first time. I can't wait to add these songs to my ipod to blast in my car. Driving to and from work are probably my favourite parts of the day. I feel free and content when I have some good music going and I am singing my lungs out. It's a great stress relief and helps me to unwind after my days at work.

So I'd have to say right now I am pretty content!

Operation Get Un-fat (OGUF)

2009-08-24T13:00:00.000-07:00

I am sure there are many of you out there who are in the same boat as I am; overweight your whole life, not always having a lot of self confidence, looking at people who are in shape and wondering what it feels like to look that way. That's how I feel. I had a brief moment of time where I was one of those in shape people and I was stupid and never kept up with it. Now, at 24, I feel like I have put my life on hold because of many things. My own anxiety and lack of self confidence has kept me down and I am ready to make a change.

Today is officially day one of Operation Get Un-fat. What does that mean? Well first and foremost it means getting off my lazy bum and going for a walk every day. It also means doing some squats, some crunches and some push-ups because I lack in the strength department. I have been doing so little lately that I can feel the weakness in my limbs. It also means changing my diet to include more healthy foods as opposed to junk food. Actually, it entails more food in general. I don't eat a lot of bad stuff. I just don't eat enough good stuff. I feel ready to take on this lifestyle change.

I had a discussion with a friend a few days ago that really made me think. I think he's in a similar position as I am, always thinking "I will be happy when......" I don't want to be that person anymore. I don't want to put off happiness and fulfilment because of debt or weight issues or anything else. Waiting on the future to be happy is an excuse, and a terrible one at that. There is no good reason why I can't feel fulfilled in my life. That's another reason I am excited to start OGUF. As long as I am doing something right now that is actively changing my life, I can be happy. It's sitting around and doing nothing that is depressing. I don't want that to be me anymore.

I am 24. I want to experience life. I want to live without fear and anxiety. I want to let go of all my inhibitions. Maybe I need a good stiff drink. Or maybe I need to get my rear end in gear and get out into the world.

So today. August 24 2009. It starts.

2009-08-23T02:22:00.001-07:00

So I'm trying google adsense. I don't know how many people ever come across this blog, if any. I figure any way to make money for free is probably a good way to make money. Some people claim to make a whole ton of money off of google adsense, but I want to see for myself. I signed up for an account ages ago and have never used it because I didn't understand how, but blogger has added a nifty little "monetize" option on the dashboard. Plain and simple! I'll be sure to update on how that goes.

In other news, I am tired of being over weight and I am tired of being broke, so I'm doing something about it. Monday I plan on starting an exercise routine. Nothing ridiculous. Nothing too hard. Just a simple walk a few times a week, a few push-ups, sit-ups and squats. That should do it. Sometimes it just feels good to know that every day you are doing a little something to improve yourself. A half an hour out of each day to better yourself really does sound like a good deal. I guess this means no more late night snacks for me.

I'm going to start looking for a second job as well. I would like to see myself working somewhere that is not fast food, but if I am bound and determined to get a second job I guess I will take what I can get. It's a small sacrifice to get out of debt sooner, and really that's all I want.

Well, this is mostly rambling. I hope to post something a little more worthwhile in the future.

Until next time....

Going to School

2009-08-21T13:43:00.001-07:00

Lately I have been feeling so unfulfilled. Last night for whatever reason I started looking into courses at one of the local universities here. I also started looking into student loans. As it stands I am totally broke but I am tired of putting my life on hold for money. It seems ridiculous that I am not striving to meet my potential because of money. It hardly seems fair that these worthless little pieces of paper (and that's all money is) are what is holding me back. Or rather, it's me thinking that these little pieces of paper are holding be back, when realistically it's just my own stuborness.

I've never thought I'd go to school in order to get a career out of it. I'm excited to go and learn. That's what I want to do. I want to get my creative juices flowing once again so it's likely I will be applying for a creative writing, fine arts or art history program.

Well, that's my news.

A nice little visit.

2009-08-20T12:53:00.000-07:00

I just had a great weekend. My best gf came down for a visit and I actually had the time off to spend with her to go do things. I wouldn't say it was the most eventful visit, but we did do some walking at Stanley Park, visited the Vancouver Art Gallery for the Rembrandt and Dutch artists exhibit and also stayed in an overpriced fancy hotel room with a jacuzzi tub. The only downside of the visit was when my stomach engaged in an epic battle against Chinese food and I was down for the count for several hours on her last day here. But that's pretty good for me considering I feel sick more often than not.

I've been feeling such an urge lately to express my creativity. I love the idea of having a huge canvas and a bunch of paint and spending hours in front of it creating something. Or sitting at a piano and playing songs and just pressing the keys and listening to how pleasing the sound is. I also have the urge to write. I have something in the back of my head that is just brewing there, but it hasn't yet come to the surface of my thoughts. I feel like when I reach that break through I will write something really great, or at least it will have the potential to be someting great.

I believe I am craving experience on a personal level. There are many things I want to do but I have continuously held myself back for fear of experiencing anxiety or panic. This anxiety disorder really knows how to get in the way of a good time. Sometimes I think it's better that way because it keeps me out of trouble, but other times I wonder whether I'm missing the big picture. Living in fear is unhealthy and I pray that I will be able to release it.

I put my trust in God that things will work out the way they are meant to.

Funny How Life Works

2009-08-11T18:04:00.000-07:00

What is it about us that makes us so afraid to be judged? It's silly thinking that last night when I was trying to come up with a first post that people out there might find it boring or ridiculous. I kept restarting it wanting to make sure that I chose the right words and the right places to say them, but does it really matter?

I've read a few blogs of note and I have gone back to their first posts and they were nothing magnificent or noteworthy. I guess that's the exciting thing about this. Starting from scratch with no followers or readers and sticking to it regardless. Then all of a sudden one day random people find their way to your blog and start commenting. I guess it's just about writing something that touches people, being relative and being yourself in the process.

I wrote in my first post how my thoughts were 'common.' I suppose that is true in a sense, but I think the reason WHY I have those thoughts and how they come about is completely unique. We are so individual but at the same time so the same. The basic needs and desires of a human life are all so similar. Each of us just tend to reach them by taking different, unique paths. It's strange thinking that we're all connected. Strange thinking that I might write out some thoughts or tell a story about a particular event in my life that another person on this crazy planet might appreciate. That's what I love about writing.

I think I am on the verge of becoming happy. I feel like right now I am in a place where I can see all my goals off in the distance and right now I am preparing myself to meet them. It's exciting knowing that in five years I can be exactly where I want to be. The only problem is starting now. I read a quote not so long ago that goes something along the lines of "a year from now you will wish you had started today." How true! I try to think of that line but when I am busy procrastinating and getting caught up in all the things that don't really matter I tend to forget. But I always look back and wonder "where would I be right now if I had stuck with it?" Destiny, Fate, Predetermination... It really makes me wonder.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. More about that in a post down the road.

The First Post

2009-08-10T23:27:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen anything so cute?

Do you ever notice that the hardest thing about achieving most goals is getting started? There are so many things I want to do in my life. I know I am capable, but pushing myself through step one and getting started seems to be such a difficult task to accomplish. Example: going to the gym. I enjoy exercising. I love getting up and going out for a walk and being lost in my thoughts. Love breaking out in a healthy sweat an feeling refreshed with a beat red face, a pounding heart and no breath to speak of. Why is that? The end result is so gratifying and yet I resist.

I might have a love affair with procrastination.

I have wanted to start a blog for a long time. I read blogs. I love blogs. I used to write blogs. And yet here I am struggling to figure out what to write for my first post. I don't want to write for the sake of writing. I want it to mean something. I want there to be some drive or purpose to this whole thing. I created this blog a few hours ago after a friend of mine said she was starting one. It ignited something in me- some kind of deep buried passion, some desperation for creative release- so I set it up. I think most of my posting energy was taken up trying to choose my URL. Who would have thought that all the clever little things I wanted in my URL were already thought up by someone else? Who knew my thoughts were so... common? I felt almost like I wanted to look up these URLs to make sure that someone was putting them to good use. I resisted.

So here is my first post, funnily enough about how hard it was for me to come up with a first post. I started this thing over half a dozen times and kept erasing it. My thoughts were every where. My mind was total chaos, just an annoying buzz. Indecipherable. After some much needed cleaning in my kitchen and bathroom (left until 11pm at night) my mind felt clear enough to sit down and write something. So here it is. I thought that I needed some kind of theme or something specific to get this thing rolling but I think I will let it unfold naturally.